The Oz Files
by Capt. Janeway
Summary: X-Files meets The Wizard of Oz . . . CHAPTER 8 IS HERE! Alas, my readers, all good things must end . . . but we'll laugh while we're at it. Watch politicians, secret service agents, and characters go nuts! Plus a reprise!
1. Chapter 1

"The Oz Files,"  
by Capt. Janeway  
  
SUMMARY: X-Files meets "The Wizard of Oz" . . . Written and directed by yours truly to  
ensure its insanity!!  
  
RATING: G  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Nothing, really, although you should realize that this is the first of many chapters  
to come, therefore nothing is written in stone; suggestions as to how I ought to proceed will receive  
attention (I can't guarantee that they'll be used, but I will consider them.) Feedback is always strongly  
encouraged!!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: On a dirt road in Kansas near Dorothy's house. Everything is filmed in  
black-and-white. We see SCULLY dressed as Dorothy with her hair tied in two little itty-bitty  
pigtails run up the road with QUEEQUEG scampering along beside her. Eventually they stop, and  
SCULLY stoops down to get a better look at QUEEQUEG:)  
  
SCULLY (in her own version of that famous "Distressed-Young-Judy-Garland" voice): Oh, Queequeg!   
Are you all right? Did she hurt you?  
  
(QUEEQUEG growls as ferociously as a poofy little Pomeranian can.)  
  
SCULLY: Oh, that's right. I'm supposed to call you "Toto," aren't I? (muttering under her breath:)   
Stupid author had to change all the names . . .   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (in a menacing voice from somewhere off-camera): Scully . . .   
  
SCULLY (defensively): Well, it *is* confusing!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (again from somewhere off-camera): Okay, let's try that again. Remember,  
Scully, you DO NOT call him "Queequeg." It's "Toto."  
  
SCULLY (walking back to where she started from): Yeah, yeah, whatever.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (still off-camera): Okay, one-two-three . . . aaaaaand ACTION!  
  
(SCULLY runs once more up the road, but QUEEQUEG decides to take a break and remain sitting  
on the side of the road, licking his right front paw.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera, very annoyed): Queequeg, tell me, who is the one who has the  
power to have a crocodile eat you again? (a slight pause, then:) Never mind . . . You are a dog, and  
therefore you cannot talk.  
  
QUEEQUEG (in a little Pomeranian voice Idunno! Use your imagination!): I can too talk!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY & SCULLY: WHAT?!?!  
  
QUEEQUEG: You heard me the first time! And, anyway, Capt. Janeway, you are NOT as almighty  
as you say you are . . . If you were, I wouldn't be mouthing-off at you right now!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Oh, my dear Queequeg, you should not have done that . . .   
  
(Suddenly, a crocodile lumbers onto the set. Both SCULLY and QUEEQUEG are trembling. The  
camera goes dark. Five minutes later, the camera flicks back on to reveal SCULLY and a Pomeranian  
we'll just assume that he's QUEEQUEG, although I wouldn't bet money on that running back up the  
dirt road a third time. SCULLY stops, and bends down to look at "QUEEQUEG":)  
  
SCULLY (again with the "Distressed-Young-Judy-Garland" voice): Oh, Toto! Are you all right? Did  
she hurt you?   
  
(SCULLY runs her hand along QUEEQUEG's back.)  
  
SCULLY: No, but she tried to, didn't she?  
  
(SCULLY pats QUEEQUEG's head for a few minutes, then:)  
  
SCULLY: Come on, Toto! (she glances nervously over her shoulder:) Let's go tell Aunty Em and  
Uncle Henry!  
  
(SCULLY runs the rest of the way up the road with QUEEQUEG right at her heels.)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: At Aunty Em and Uncle Henry's farm. We see SCULLY and QUEEQUEG run up past the  
gate:)  
  
SCULLY (calling): Aunty Em!! Uncle Henry!!  
  
(The camera follows her to where "Aunty Em" and "Uncle Henry" are. Interestingly, Aunty Em and  
Uncle Henry have a striking resemblance to Yves Harlow and Jimmy Bond from "The Lone Gunmen" .  
. . In fact, they are! YVES and JIMMY are trying to figure out what to do with all the little fluffy  
chicks they're holding.)  
  
JIMMY: Why are they cheeping so much?  
  
YVES (glaring at one chick perched on her wrist): I don't know, Jimmy er, Henry.   
  
JIMMY: Maybe they want something to eat.  
  
YVES (rolling her eyes with annoyance): We *already* tried to feed them, remember?   
  
JIMMY: Maybe they want their mom.  
  
YVES: Perhaps . . .  
  
SCULLY (running up to them, breathless): Aunty Em! Aunty Em!! Do you know what Miss Gulch  
tried to do to Toto?!  
  
YVES (muttering under her breath): I can't believe I'm doing this. (to SCULLY:) Dorothy, help us with  
these chicks.  
  
SCULLY: But . . . but, Miss Gulch said she was--   
  
YVES (in a tired voice): Dorothy, be quiet.  
  
SCULLY (trying to get the point across that this is a life-or-death situation): But Toto doesn't *always*  
turn into an alien hybrid--uh, I mean, chase Miss Gulch's cat. Only once or twice or fifteen times a  
week!!  
  
YVES (putting the chicks into the chicken coop): Dorothy, I really don't care about Toto or Miss  
Gulch, all right?  
  
SCULLY: But-but--   
  
YVES (angrily as she grabs JIMMY's chicks): Shut-up, Dorothy!!  
  
(YVES drops the chicks into the coop, slams the door shut, and goes inside the house, with JIMMY  
following after her. SCULLY scoops QUEEQUEG up in her arms.)  
  
SCULLY (holding QUEEQUEG very tightly): Oh, Toto, don't worry! I won't let Miss Gulch take you  
away.  
  
(SCULLY wanders around the corner of the house to where the hogs are kept. There, we see  
MULDER, DOGGETT, and SKINNER trying to fix a wagon. MULDER is under the wagon trying to  
look at something, SKINNER is eagerly looking down on the top of the wagon, and DOGGETT is  
chewing on a piece of straw as he replaces a wheel. All three are dressed as the three farmhands from  
the real "Wizard of Oz.")  
  
DOGGETT (tightening a large bolt on the wheel): Okay . . . Almost got it . . .   
  
SKINNER (eagerly): Now?  
  
MULDER (urgently from beneath the wagon): No!!  
  
SKINNER: Now?  
  
MULDER: No!!  
  
SKINNER: Now?  
  
MULDER: No!!  
  
SKINNER: Now?  
  
DOGGETT (finished with the wheel): Sure, go ahead.  
  
MULDER: NO!!!  
  
(MULDER, unfortunately, is too late. SKINNER pushes very hard on the top of the wagon, and it  
comes down on the frame where MULDER's hand is. DOGGETT tries to stifle his laughter as  
MULDER tries to free his hand, which MULDER eventually does and quickly rolls out from under the  
wagon.)  
  
MULDER (angrily to SKINNER as he cradles his damaged hand): You idiot!! Couldn't you have  
waited TWO SECONDS?! You set that thing down right on my hand!!  
  
DOGGETT (still chewing on his straw): Well, you should've got your hand out of the way.  
  
(DOGGETT and SKINNER laugh and walk away to do something else. MULDER glares at them,  
and then does something else to the top of the wagon. SCULLY rushes up to him.)  
  
SCULLY (hoping that if she sounds distressed enough, somebody will listen to her wail about what  
Miss Gulch threatened to do to Toto): Oh, Hunk! Miss Gulch said she was going to take Toto away!  
  
MULDER: Hunk?  
  
SCULLY (distracted): What?  
  
MULDER (giving her an odd look): My name is "Hunk"?  
  
SCULLY: Right, and Doggett's "Hickory" and Skinner's "Zeke."  
  
MULDER: Doggett? "Hickory"?  
  
(MULDER bursts into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (warning from somewhere off camera): Don't make fun of other people's names,  
Mulder.  
  
MULDER (trying very hard to stifle his malevolent laughter): Doggett?! "Hickory"?! This is one for the  
books!!  
  
(SCULLY starts to laugh.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (still off-camera): Cut it out, both of you!!  
  
MULDER & SCULLY (annoyed): Yeah, yeah, whatever.  
  
MULDER (getting back into character): Dorothy, you're acting like you don't have brains.  
  
SCULLY: I have too got brains!  
  
MULDER: No you don't.  
  
SCULLY: Yes, I do.  
  
MULDER: Do not.  
  
SCULLY: Do too.  
  
MULDER: Do not!  
  
SCULLY: Do too!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (yelling from somewhere off-camera): Guys, cut it out!! That's not in the script!!  
  
MULDER (glaring at someone off-camera, presumably CAPT. JANEWAY): If you had any brains at  
all, Dorothy, you'd just stop walking by Miss Gulch's house. That way, Toto won't get into her garden,  
and you won't get into trouble.  
  
SCULLY (frustrated): Oh, you just won't listen, that's all.  
  
(SCULLY marches away with QUEEQUEG in her arms while MULDER works some more on the  
wagon. She sees SKINNER pouring some feed into the trough for the hogs, and she tries to get him  
on her side:)  
  
SCULLY (whining): Oh, Miss Gulch is so mean!  
  
SKINNER (confidently): Come on, Dorothy! You have to have a little courage.  
  
SCULLY (doubtfully as she sets QUEEQUEG down on the ground): Courage?  
  
SKINNER: Courage. The next time she gives you a hard time, just order an investigation uh, I mean,  
spit in her face . . . That's what I'd do!  
  
SCULLY (getting up on the fence by the hogs and trying to walk across it): Hmmmm . . .  
  
SKINNER: You just have to have courage. That's all.  
  
(Suddenly, SCULLY falls into the hog pen and starts screaming as the hungry hogs surround her.   
SKINNER leaps over the fence to save her, but MULDER gets there first and shoves him out of the  
way. DOGGETT suddenly runs up and climbs over the fence; MULDER and DOGGETT start  
wrestling each other over who gets to save SCULLY. Finally, SKINNER gets back on his feet and  
picks up SCULLY, passes by the incredible fight between MULDER and DOGGETT, and climbs  
back over the fence to safety. The camera focuses on MULDER and DOGGETT:)  
  
MULDER: I was here first!!  
  
DOGGETT: So what?! I should be the one to rescue her!!  
  
MULDER (picking up a large handful of mud): Nah-ah!!  
  
DOGGETT: Yeah-huh!!  
  
MULDER: Nah-ah!!  
  
(MULDER throws the mud right into DOGGETT's eyes. DOGGETT shouts words that would make  
this fic lose its "G" rating as he struggles to get the mud out of his eyes. MULDER starts kicking a hog  
he thinks is attacking SCULLY. SKINNER and SCULLY watch from outside the hog pen:)  
  
SKINNER (imitating a sports announcer): And Mulder is going left no, right!! He's strangling the hog!!   
But wait . . . Now Doggett's getting back up!! He got the mud out of his eyes!! He's going (wincing  
as DOGGETT picks up MULDER and throws him down on top of the hog:) Oooooh, that's *gotta*  
hurt!!  
  
(YVES walks up behind SCULLY and SKINNER with a plate of fried chicken.)  
  
YVES (annoyed): What's going on *now,* Zeke?  
  
SKINNER: Uh, well, um . . .   
  
SCULLY: We were just, um . . .   
  
(But, back to the fight . . .)  
  
DOGGETT: *I'M* GOING TO SAVE HER!!!!!!  
  
MULDER: NO, *I'M* GOING TO SAVE HER!!!!!!!  
  
DOGGETT: ARE NOT!!!!  
  
MULDER: ARE TOO!!!!!  
  
DOGGETT: ARE NOT!!!!!!!  
  
MULDER: ARE TOO!!!!!!!  
  
DOGGETT: ARE NOT!!!!!!!!  
  
MULDER: ARE TOO, ARE TOO, ARE TOO!!!!!!!!!  
  
DOGGETT: ARE NOT, ARE NOT, ARE NOT, ARE NOT!!!!!!  
  
(YVES rolls her eyes, then draws in an enormous breath:)  
  
YVES (trying to yell above all the commotion): HUNK!!!!! HICKORY!!!!!! CUT IT OUT!!!!  
  
(MULDER and DOGGETT freeze in mid-punches and give their full attention to YVES.)  
  
YVES (giving a tremendous sigh of exasperation): Thank you. Now, if you two will just stop fighting,  
you'll see that I bought some KFC for dinner.  
  
MULDER (walking out of the pen toward YVES): Ooooh, KFC!!  
  
DOGGETT (hungrily as he follows MULDER out of the pen): Yum!!  
  
SKINNER: Gimme!! Gimme!! Gimme!!  
  
(The three guys swarm around YVES grabbing as much fried chicken as their hands can hold.)   
  
YVES (to SKINNER as he shoves an enormous piece of fried chicken into his mouth): You certainly  
don't deserve the chicken, Zeke, after letting Dorothy around those filthy old hogs.  
  
SKINNER (through a mouthful of chicken): But walla-waffa-walla-mmmmf   
  
YVES: Oh, for crying out loud, don't talk while you're chewing!!  
  
(SKINNER swallows his food.)  
  
SKINNER: Sorry. Anyway, Dorothy was just complaining about Miss Gulch again. (proudly:) I told  
her that she just needed a little courage.  
  
YVES: Very good advice, Zeke. Well, you three had better get back to your work, now.  
  
(Suddenly, Diana FOWLEY dressed as Miss Gulch rides up to the quintet on a bicycle with a  
basket attached to the back of it.)  
  
SKINNER: Speak of the devil.  
  
YVES: Hello, Miss Gulch.  
  
FOWLEY: Good day, Mrs. Gale. How are you?  
  
YVES: Fine, thank you. What can we do for you?  
  
FOWLEY (maliciously): I've come to get that dog.  
  
SCULLY (panicking): No!! Not Toto!!  
  
FOWLEY (angrily): He bit me this morning!! And that's the sixteenth time this week he's gotten in my  
garden and dug up my rutabagas!!  
  
SCULLY (indignantly): Fifteenth!!  
  
DOGGETT (whispering to MULDER): Is that Diana Fowley?  
  
MULDER (whispering back): You better believe it.  
  
DOGGETT (still whispering): Is she nice?  
  
MULDER (whispering back): To me.  
  
DOGGETT (glumly): Meaning that she's going to hate me.  
  
MULDER: Probably.  
  
SCULLY (to FOWLEY): Didn't your mother ever teach you any manners?! I'm supposed to be  
singing one of the most popular songs of "The Wizard of Oz" right now!!! You're too early!!  
  
FOWLEY: Ask me if I care!  
  
YVES (very tired of all this): Look, Dorothy, just give her Toto already.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Fowley has to show you the injunction, first, Yves.  
  
YVES (rolling her eyes): Oh, that's right. Well, Miss Gulch, let's see the injunction.  
  
(FOWLEY pulls the injunction out of her pocket and proudly hands it to YVES. YVES glances at it,  
yawns, and hands it back to FOWLEY. SCULLY is nearly in tears now.)  
  
YVES (bored): Dorothy, I'm afraid you're going to have to give Toto to Miss Gulch.  
  
SCULLY (while FOWLEY does a happy little dance in the background): No!! No!! I won't give  
Toto to her!! Never!! Not to a woman who keeps me from singing my special song!!!  
  
YVES: Dorothy, you don't want to break the law.  
  
FOWLEY (stopping her dance): Yes, Dorothy, you don't want to break the law.  
  
SCULLY (absolutely irate): Why, you wicked old witch!!! I'm going to sing my song whether you like  
it or not!!  
  
EVERYONE, INCLUDING CAPT. JANEWAY (horrified): NO, SCULLY!!!! PLEASE DON'T  
SING!!!  
  
SCULLY (singing in a horrible voice): Sooooooooome-wheeeeeeeeere oh-ver the rainbow . . .   
  
FOWLEY (screaming as she covers her ears): That sound!!! That horrible sound!!!  
  
(FOWLEY faints. MULDER rushes to her side when SCULLY isn't looking. DOGGETT pulls a  
couple of blue earmuffs out of a large pocket. He gives one pair to SKINNER and puts the other pair  
on himself. YVES, who has been bothering me for some time about getting a pay raise for portraying  
Aunty Em, leaves with what remains of the fried chicken.)  
  
SCULLY (still singing): . . . Theeeeere's aaaaaaaah land that I heard of . . .   
  
MULDER (muttering to himself as he checks FOWLEY's pulse): And I thought her singing "Joy to the  
World" was bad enough . . .  
  
DOGGETT (singing softly to himself as he stares at the toe of his shoe): Ninety-nine bottles of beer on  
the wall . . . Ninety-nine bottles of beer . . . If one just happens to fall . . .  
  
SKINNER (joining in with some quiet background music): . . . Then there's ninety-eight bottles of beer  
on the wall!!  
  
SCULLY (calling to somewhere off-camera): Um . . . Capt. Janeway! I forgot the rest of the words to  
the song!! Do you have a copy of the script there I can read?  
  
DOGGETT & SKINNER: Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-eight bottles of beer! If  
one just happens to fall . . .   
  
MULDER: . . . Then there's ninety-sev'n bottles of beer on the wall!!  
  
DOGGETT, SKINNER, & MULDER: Ninety-sev'n bottles of beer on the wall!! Ninety-sev'n bottles  
of beer!! If one just happens to fall . . .   
  
FOWLEY (waking up): . . . Then there's ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall!!  
  
DOGGETT, SKINNER, MULDER, & FOWLEY: Ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall!!!   
Ninety-six bottles of beer!!! If one just happens to fall . . .   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (walking on the set to join in the fun): . . . Then there's ninety-five bottles of beer  
on the wall!!  
  
DOGGETT, SKINNER, MULDER, FOWLEY, & CAPT. JANEWAY (all huddled together and  
swaying back and forth with the tune): Ninety-five bottles of beer on the wall!!!! Ninety-five bottles of  
beer!!!! If one just happens to fall . . .   
  
SCULLY (abandoning "Over the Rainbow" and joining the huddle in swaying with the tune): . . . Then  
there's ninety-four bottles of beer on the wall!!  
  
DOGGETT, SKINNER, MULDER, FOWLEY, CAPT. JANEWAY, & SCULLY (with great  
enthusiasm and full-blown background music): NINETY-FOUR BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE  
WALL!!! NINETY-FOUR BOTTLES OF BEER!!! IF ONE JUST HAPPENS TO FALL . . .   
  
(Confused, everyone looks around.)  
  
DOGGETT (disappointed): There's nobody else to carry on the song!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: I could always write a reprise in somewhere . . .   
  
SKINNER (eagerly): Could you?!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Sure!! I don't think it'd come for a while, though . . . Usually reprises come  
toward the end.  
  
DOGGETT: That's okay.  
  
FOWLEY: As long as we get to sing like that again . . . That was fun!!  
  
SCULLY: It actually was more fun than singing "Over the Rainbow."  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Okay, then, just let me make a note to myself . . .   
  
(CAPT. JANEWAY pulls out a small notepad and a pencil. She scribbles something in it and shoves it  
back in her pocket.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Okay, guys, well, that was really fun, but I have to go now. Thanks!!  
  
(CAPT. JANEWAY walks off the set.)  
  
MULDER: Well, what's next?  
  
DOGGETT (clearly going off memory): Uh, well . . . I think Miss Gulch takes Toto away . . . and . . .  
uh . . . Let me see . . . (suddenly remembering:) Oh! Yeah!! That's right!! Toto comes back,  
Dorothy and Toto run away to see Professor Marvel, who convinces Dorothy to come back home.   
Then--   
  
FOWLEY (rolling her eyes): Oh, brother!  
  
SKINNER: Forget this!!   
  
SCULLY: Let's just skip to the stupid cyclone already!!  
  
MULDER: Twister.  
  
SCULLY: What?  
  
MULDER: In Kansas, they're called "twisters."  
  
SCULLY (shrugging): Whatever.  
  
DOGGETT (looking up at the sky, which now has ominous dark clouds): I think we're supposed to get  
in the storm cellar, guys . . .   
  
SCULLY (remembering): Oh, right! And Queequeg and I foolishly stand right next to the window--   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Scully!! Don't give away the whole darn story!!  
  
SCULLY: Sorry.  
  
FOWLEY: What about me?  
  
MULDER (loudly to make an impression on SCULLY): Oh, I don't know! Maybe I'll just leave you in  
the twister to die! (whispering softly in FOWLEY's ear as he walks by her:) The storm cellar's right  
next to the chicken coop . . . It's got a big green door, you can't miss it.   
  
FOWLEY (whispering back out of the corner of her mouth): Thanks, Fox.  
  
(Everyone except SCULLY and QUEEQUEG leave for the storm cellar.)  
  
(Cut to: An Approaching Twister. It's getting closer and closer to Dorothy's house. The howling wind  
can be distinctly heard.)  
  
(Cut to: Back with SCULLY and QUEEQUEG. The wind is blowing very hard, and SCULLY is  
having difficulty getting into her house.)  
  
SCULLY (calling loudly): Uncle Henry? Aunty Em!!  
  
(She manages to get inside with QUEEQUEG and starts running down the halls:)  
  
SCULLY: Uncle Henry?! AUNTY EM!! AUNTY EM!! WHERE ARE YOU?!  
  
(SCULLY runs into the living room.)  
  
SCULLY: UNCLE HENRY!!! AUNTY EM!!!!  
  
YVES & JIMMY (sitting on the couch): We're right here, Dorothy!!  
  
SCULLY (puzzled): What're you two doing here? You're supposed to be in the storm cellar.  
  
JIMMY: We are?  
  
YVES: Already?  
  
SCULLY: Yes, we skipped over all that running away and Professor Marvel stuff.  
  
JIMMY: Oh. Well, let's go, then.  
  
(YVES and JIMMY exit, presumably to the storm cellar. SCULLY starts to run back down the halls:)  
  
SCULLY: Uncle Henry?! AUNTY EM!!!! WHERE ARE YOU?!  
  
YVES & JIMMY (from somewhere outside, annoyed): We're right here!!  
  
SCULLY (angrily): No, you're not supposed to answer when I call!! Just go to the stupid storm cellar  
already!!  
  
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. We see MULDER, DOGGETT, and SKINNER huddled together in  
candle light.)  
  
SKINNER: Yeeesh . . . Who thought a storm cellar could be so dark and cold and damp?  
  
DOGGETT: What did you expect? A five-star hotel? (suddenly, there is a loud THUMP!) What's  
that noise?  
  
MULDER: Probably the door.  
  
DOGGETT: Isn't it locked?  
  
MULDER: No.  
  
DOGGETT (annoyed): The whole point of being in a storm cellar Agent Mul--uh, Hunk, is to  
batten-down the hatches so the storm stays out there on the surface and doesn't get in here.  
  
MULDER: I left it open for Diana--uh, Miss Gulch.  
  
SKINNER (teasing): Still can't resist her even after she gets killed-off the show, eh, Mulder?  
  
MULDER (defensively): Shut-up!!  
  
DOGGETT (laughing): He's blushing!!  
  
MULDER: I am not blushing!! How can you tell, anyway, with it being so dark in here?  
  
DOGGETT (snickering): Oh, you don't need good light to see   
  
MULDER (cutting-off DOGGETT): I am not blushing.  
  
DOGGETT: Are too.  
  
MULDER: Are not.  
  
SKINNER (calling): Capt. Janeway!! Is Mulder blushing?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera, willing to say anything to move this scene in a forward  
direction): Yes, Mulder is blushing.  
  
DOGGETT (proudly): See!! Even the author thinks you're blushing!  
  
(Suddenly, we hear another loud THUMP! FOWLEY comes down the stairs and into the storm  
cellar.)  
  
FOWLEY (looking at DOGGETT and SKINNER, who still have little smirks on their faces): Did I  
miss something good?  
  
MULDER (shortly): No, you didn't, Diana.  
  
DOGGETT (in a very charming manner to annoy MULDER): Here, why don't you sit by me, Diana . .  
. We can snuggle-up together by the romantic candle light and whisper professions of our undying love  
for each other . . .  
  
FOWLEY (giving DOGGETT an odd look): Uh . . . No thanks. (changing the subject:) I don't know  
about you guys, but I could really go for some pizza right about now.  
  
MULDER: Pizza does sound good . . . Get one with lots of bacon and olives and cheese--  
  
DOGGETT (cutting in): And pepperoni--   
  
MULDER (continuing): And garlic and pesto and extra sauce--   
  
DOGGETT: And pepperoni--   
  
MULDER (ready to drool everywhere at the thought of all this food): And pineapple and ham and  
sausage--   
  
DOGGETT (also ready to drool): And pepperoni--   
  
SKINNER: But no anchovies. I'm allergic to anchovies.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (hungrily from off-camera): Get one with nothing but sauce, olives, and cheese on  
top!!! It's the greatest thing in the world, I'm telling you!!  
  
SKINNER (fishing around in his coat pocket): I think I still have my cell phone . . .  
  
(There is a third loud THUMP! YVES and JIMMY enter the storm cellar.)  
  
JIMMY (with a big grin on his face): Hey, guys!!  
  
YVES (looking around with great contempt): I can't believe Capt. Janeway actually expects us to stay  
down here.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): I heard that!  
  
FOWLEY: We were going to order a pizza.  
  
DOGGETT: With pepperoni.  
  
SKINNER: And no anchovies.  
  
YVES (doubtfully): Pizza? You mean those Italian things that are dripping with oil and grease?  
  
MULDER: Uh . . . yeah.  
  
YVES (shrugging): It won't kill me to have some once in a while. Get me something light, though . . .  
  
SKINNER: Does anyone have a phone book? I'm pretty sure Domino's delivers during twisters, but  
I'm not sure . . .  
  
DOGGETT: You're sitting on one.  
  
SKINNER (looking underneath him): Well, what do you know.  
  
(SKINNER pulls out the phone book and starts to look for the pizza section.)  
  
JIMMY (with that look on his face that he gets when he thinks he's come up with a good idea that in  
reality is very stupid): Hey!! I've got an idea for something we can do while we're waiting!!  
  
YVES (not at all enthusiastic about the idea already): Really, Jimmy.  
  
JIMMY: Yeah!! We can play "Truth or Dare"!! Won't that be fun!!  
  
MULDER: It might be worth a try. We could be down here for a while.  
  
DOGGETT (vehemently): Count me outta this one!! The last time I played truth or dare, I woke up the  
next morning in a dumpster. I still have no idea how I got there . . .   
  
FOWLEY (sarcastically): Oooh, maybe it's an X-File!  
  
SKINNER (flipping through the phone book): Hmmm . . . Domino's . . . Domino's . . . Where is  
Domino's? . . .   
  
(Suddenly, a gust of wind blows out all the candles, making it pitch black in the storm cellar.)  
  
DOGGETT (angrily): Oh, well, this is just great!! Now what do we do?!  
  
(Cut to: SCULLY and QUEEQUEG in Dorothy's Room. SCULLY is very foolishly standing  
right in front of a window while she screams for "Aunty Em" and "Uncle Henry." Suddenly, the window  
is blown in by the wind and hits her head. She collapses unconscious on her bed, with  
QUEEQUEG beside her. The house is sucked up into the cyclone twister, tornado, whatever you  
want to call it, and SCULLY wakes up. She looks outside the window and sees absolutely nothing.   
Bored, she decides to take a nap. Suddenly the house falls down and lands with an enormous THUD!!  
that causes SCULLY to wake up again. She sleepily gets to her feet, grabs QUEEQUEG and a little  
basket, and walks to the door of the house. Cautiously, not entirely sure of what she might find out  
there, she opens the door very slowly to reveal a beautiful place filmed in Technicolor. She steps out,  
walking around and looking at all those lovely plastic flowers and plants in wonder.)  
  
SCULLY (to QUEEQUEG): Toto . . . I don't think we're in Kansas anymore . . .   
  
******************************************************************************  
  
What will happen to our friends (all right, some friends and a hated enemy) trapped within the dark  
confines of the storm cellar? Will they get a pizza? And what is this strange yet beautiful place filmed in  
lovely Technicolor that Scully and beloved dog Queequeg have stumbled upon?  
  
More chapters will be coming soon . . . In the meantime, please remember to REVIEW, REVIEW,  
REVIEW!! Thank you!! ;)  
  



	2. Chapter 2

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, a mega-super-duper-extra thanks to all the lovely people who reviewed  
the first chapter, both fans and first-timers . . . I loved the suggestions!! I've got everything pretty much  
planned out now (especially roles for the characters . . . I think Frohike the reviewer will be happy  
with me when I get to the chapter about the Wicked Witch of the Northeast's Fortress), so there really  
isn't much reason for any more suggestions unless you have the strange and sudden urge to. Special  
mega thanks to Jamie August, who has been so incredibly kind to me in her reviews of my fics . . . GO  
READ HER STUFF!! IT'S FUN!! (But not until you've read my stuff, first. LOL) ;)  
  
Enjoy Chapter 2!!  
  
Capt. Janeway (the fanfiction author, not Kate Mulgrew)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .   
  
SCULLY: Aunty Em!! Aunty Em!!  
  
*  
  
DOGGETT: Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall . . . Ninety-nine bottles of beer . . .  
  
*  
  
FOWLEY (rolling her eyes): Oh, brother!!  
  
SKINNER: Forget this!!  
  
*  
  
SCULLY (screaming): AUNTY EM!! AUNTY EM!!  
  
*  
  
DOGGETT (annoyed): The whole point of being in a storm cellar Agent Mul uh, Hunk, is to  
batten-down the hatches so the storm stays out there on the surface and doesn't get in here.  
  
MULDER: I left it open for Diana--uh, Miss Gulch.  
  
SKINNER (teasing): Still can't resist her even after she gets killed-off the show, eh, Mulder?  
  
MULDER (defensively): Shut-up!!  
  
*  
  
SCULLY: AUNTY EM?! UNCLE HENRY!!!! AAAAAAAUNTY EEEEEEEEM!!!!?!?!?!  
  
*  
  
DOGGETT (in a very charming manner to annoy MULDER): Here, why don't you sit by me, Diana . .  
. We can snuggle-up together by the romantic candle light and whisper professions of our undying love  
for each other . . .  
  
FOWLEY (giving DOGGETT an odd look): Uh . . . No thanks. (changing the subject:)I don't know  
about you guys, but I could really go for some pizza right about now.  
  
*  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Uh, sorry, folks . . . I ran out of quotes there . . . Hang on!!  
  
*  
  
DOGGETT (angrily after a gust of wind blows out all the candles): Oh, well, this is just great!! Now  
what do we do?!  
  
*  
SCULLY (to QUEEQUEG): Toto . . . I don't think we're in Kansas anymore . . .   
  
*  
  
AND NOW, CHAPTER 2 . . .   
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: With SCULLY and QUEEQUEG in Oz. They are walking around, looking at all the  
flora and fauna okay, maybe no fauna yet of the land. Suddenly, a floating bubble descends from  
the sky and appears to be coming to a gentle landing. As soon as it touches the ground, however, it  
pops, leaving an icky, goopy mess on SCULLY and QUEEQUEG. REYES steps out from where the  
bubble was, dressed in a big poofy pink dress and a big tall crown-like hat. She is holding a very long  
wand with a star on top, which she waves around from time to time when she wants to feel magical:)  
  
SCULLY (mumbling to QUEEQUEG as she tries to get the goopy mess off her dress): Now I *know*  
we're not in Kansas . . .  
  
REYES (smiling): Are you a good witch or a bad witch?  
  
SCULLY: What?  
  
REYES: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?  
  
SCULLY (offended): Excuse me?! I am not a witch!!  
  
REYES (confused, but still smiling): Oh. Well . . . (pointing to QUEEQUEG:) Is *that* the witch?  
  
SCULLY: Toto? No, he's my dog.  
  
REYES (even more confused, the smile fading): Well, then, where's the witch?  
  
SCULLY (also confused): What on earth are you talking about?  
  
REYES (giving an exasperated sigh): The Lone Munchkins said that a new witch made a house fall on  
the Wicked Witch of the Northwest, (pointing to the house:) and there the house is, and here you are,  
and there's all that remains of the Wicked Witch of the Northwest.  
  
(Cut to: All That Remains of the Wicked Witch of the Northwest. Only her legs can be seen sticking  
out from beneath Dorothy's house. The ruby slippers are on her feet, and next to them is a very full  
suitcase with stickers from various places in the Northwest such as: "Portland Native," "Washington  
State Beats Washington, D.C.," and "Go Redskins!")  
  
(Cut back to: SCULLY, REYES, and QUEEQUEG. SCULLY looks shocked, REYES is smiling,  
and QUEEQUEG is taking a nap next to SCULLY's feet.)   
  
REYES: So, what the Lone Munchkins would like to know is whether you're a good witch or a bad  
witch.  
  
SCULLY: I already told you, I'm not a witch. Witches are old and ugly . . .   
  
(From somewhere in the bushes, laughter can be heard.)  
  
SCULLY (alarmed): What was that?!  
  
REYES: Oh, that was the Lone Munchkins. They are laughing because I am a witch. I am Glinda, the  
Good Witch of the Southeast.  
  
SCULLY (shrugging): Like I said, witches are old and--   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Scully, remember our agreement about giving Reyes a fair  
shot?  
  
SCULLY: But--   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (cutting-in from off-camera): Be nice. This is her first fic. (muttering to herself:)  
And with a little good luck it'll be her last . . .  
  
SCULLY (grudgingly): Oh, fine. (she coughs loudly:) Ahem . . . "I beg your pardon, but I didn't know  
that there were beautiful witches."  
  
REYES (smiling): Really? (a little too enthusiastically:) There are also some that eat little kids, and I  
once investigated this one really bloody case in Colorado where there was this witch who took--   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (yelling from off-camera): Reyes, stay in character!!  
  
REYES (a little embarrassed, but still smiling): Sorry. (to SCULLY:) Well, anyway, that's really all the  
Lone Munchkins wanted to know . . .  
  
SCULLY: Who are the Lone Munchkins?  
  
REYES: They're the little people who live in this land. (calling out to the Lone Munchkins:) It's all right!   
You can come out, now!  
  
(Mini-them's of BYERS, LANGLEY, and FROHIKE come out of the bushes dressed as Munchkins.   
They look at SCULLY and QUEEQUEG curiously as they circle around her.)  
  
REYES (singing to the tune of "Come Out, Come Out," but having some difficulties reaching all those  
high notes):  
  
Come out, come out,  
Wherever you are!  
And meet the nice lady  
Who fell from a star!  
  
She fell from a star!  
She fell really far!  
And Washin--er, Kansas  
Is the name of her star!  
  
BYERS, LANGLEY, & FROHIKE (repeating after REYES): And Washin--er, Kansas is the name of  
her star!  
  
REYES (continuing):  
  
She has red hair!  
She's your witch preferred!  
And when her house fell,  
A miracle occurred.  
  
(Music changes to: "It Really Was No Miracle." Now it's SCULLY's turn to sing:)  
  
SCULLY:  
  
It really was no miracle!  
What happened was just this:  
  
The wind began to mitch,  
Did I mention I am rich?  
Well, anyway, the hinges began to  
Unhitch!  
Just then,  
A witch,  
Who wanted  
Th'winds to switch,  
Went flying on her broom,  
Looking for a snitch!  
  
BYERS (realizing something): Wait a minute!! Stop the music!!  
  
(The music stops.)  
  
BYERS: Did that really happen, or are you just trying to come up with as many words that can end in  
"-itch" as you can?  
  
LANGLY (angrily): Yeah!! How do we know that you're not lying to us?!  
  
FROHIKE (mocking): Right . . . Like "A witch, who wanted th'winds to switch" really makes sense.  
  
SCULLY (trying to think of a way out of this): Idunno . . . Ask Capt. Janeway.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (defensively from off-camera): No way!! I'm staying out of this one!!  
  
SCULLY (angrily): But *you're* the author!! You're supposed to know lots of things about this stupid  
fic!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Yeah, well, I don't know *everything*!!  
  
SCULLY (frustrated): Oh, fine. Can we skip over this part, too?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): All right . . . Let's cut to something else, then, to keep the  
readers interested . . .   
  
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. It's pitch black, and so absolutely nothing can be seen. Suddenly,  
from somewhere within the darkness . . .)  
  
MULDER (calling): Marco!!  
  
DOGGETT, SKINNER, FOWLEY, YVES, & JIMMY: Polo!!  
  
MULDER: Marco!!  
  
DOGGETT, SKINNER, FOWLEY, YVES, & JIMMY: Polo!!  
  
MULDER: Marco!!  
  
DOGGETT, SKINNER, FOWLEY, YVES, & JIMMY: Polo!!  
  
MULDER: Marco!!  
  
SKINNER (angrily): Ow!! You stepped on my foot, Mulder!!  
  
MULDER: Sorry. Anyway, you're out of the game, now, because I found you.  
  
SKINNER: You stepped on my foot!! Pain doesn't mean out of the game!!  
  
JIMMY (excitedly): Hey!! Neat!! That rhymed!!  
  
YVES (annoyed): Jimmy, shut-up.  
  
MULDER: You're out of the game!!  
  
SKINNER: Are not!!  
  
MULDER: Are too!!  
  
FOWLEY (angrily): Let's just start over!!  
  
JIMMY: Yeah, why don't we?  
  
YVES: If there wasn't a cyclone and I could see where I was going, I'd have left all five of you  
imbeciles down here a long time ago.  
  
FOWLEY: Ditto, except I'm not an imbecile.  
  
DOGGETT (again with the mock charming attitude): Alas, my dearest Diana!! You would not  
abandon me, would you?  
  
FOWLEY: Shut-up, you creep!  
  
DOGGETT: Woah, wait a minute there . . . I've been called a lot of things in my lifetime: jerk, idiot, that  
guy with ears like Ross Perot . . . (indignantly:) But I am *not* a creep!! You just can't take a joke!!  
  
FOWLEY: You are too a creep!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily from off-camera): No, he's not a creep!! He's . . . (realizing she'd better  
be quiet before she says something she may regret:) . . . Uh, he's . . .   
  
FOWLEY (thinking that she's on to something here): He's what?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (muttering from off-camera): Oh, never mind.  
  
FOWLEY: Oh, come on, that's not what you were going to say!! There was something else, so say it!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (in a low, menacing voice from off-camera): You are *this* close to getting  
officially kicked-out of this fic, Fowley!!  
  
FOWLEY (sarcastically): Yeah, right, like you'd really do that. You and I both know that you need me  
to play the Wicked--   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (panicking from off-camera): SHUT-UP, FOWLEY!!  
  
MULDER: Oooooh, I think you hit a nerve, Diana. (eagerly:) C'mon, Capt. Janeway, what were you  
going to say about Doggett?  
  
DOGGETT: Uh . . . guys? I think you should stop bothering her . . .  
  
MULDER (triumphantly): Ah-ha!! I knew it!! Doggett is the Author's Pet!!  
  
DOGGETT (indignantly): I am not!!  
  
MULDER (singing annoyingly): Author's Pet!! Author's Pet!! Doggett is the Author's Pet!!  
  
FOWLEY (accusingly): Isn't that right, Capt. Janeway?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (trying to change the subject from off-camera): Weren't you guys supposed to  
order a pizza or something?  
  
SKINNER: Well, *somebody* wrote in that a gust of wind blow out all the candles, so I couldn't  
look-up the number in the phone book.  
  
DOGGETT: Hey, guys, cut it out!!  
  
MULDER (singing again): Author's Pet!! Author's Pet!! Doggett is the Author's Pet!!  
  
DOGGETT: Shut-up, Mulder!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily from off-camera): Yes, shut-up, Mulder!!  
  
YVES (annoyed): Look, can we just get off this? Capt. Janeway, if you'll give us some light, we'll  
order a pizza, and forget about this whole thing.  
  
MULDER: What're you, nuts?! I'm going to remember this for as long as I live, so I can constantly  
harass Doggett about it every time I come on the show!!  
  
DOGGETT (sharply): Too bad your actor decided to leave the show . . .  
  
MULDER (defensively): Shut-up, Doggett!!  
  
(Cut to: SCULLY, QUEEQUEG, REYES, and the Lone Gunmen. They're sitting on a patch of grass,  
having a picnic.)  
  
SCULLY (ending a very long story as she butters a slice of toast): . . . So that's who the *real* father  
of my baby is.  
  
REYES (as she stuffs an enormous spoonful of potato salad in her mouth): Incredible!  
  
(CAPT. JANEWAY clears her throat from off-camera in an attempt to get their attention. It doesn't  
work, however:)  
  
FROHIKE (looking at his silverware): Hey, I got a question for you, Reyes.  
  
REYES (through a mouthful of potato salad): Go fwor wit.  
  
FROHIKE: Does the soup spoon go next to the regular spoon or the salad fork?  
  
LANGLY: Oh, yeah, that one always gets me, too.  
  
REYES (after she swallows the potato salad): Well, it's actually   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Guys, the cameras are rolling, the mikes are recording, but  
nobody's acting.  
  
SCULLY (after taking a big bite out of her toast): Ooops.  
  
BYERS: Sorry, Capt. Janeway.  
  
REYES: I'll clean this up.  
  
(REYES picks-up her wand, waves it around a little, and the picnic disappears. They get into their  
places for the next scene.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Very nice, Reyes. Thank you.  
  
(Everyone stares at each other, not knowing what to do. Crickets can be heard chirping in the  
background.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (annoyed from off-camera): Uh . . . If I remember correctly, you all have a song to  
sing.  
  
REYES (remembering): Oh!! Yeah!! Lone Munchkins? Go get a carriage so we can parade Dorothy  
around. She has delivered Munchkinland from the tyranny of the Wicked Witch of the Northwest.  
  
LANGLY: Uh . . .   
  
BYERS: We're not sure how to tell you this, Glinda, but . . .  
  
FROHIKE: We don't have a carriage.  
  
REYES: What?!  
  
FROHIKE (glaring at LANGLY): Well, *somebody* got the bright idea of racing all the carriages like  
they do in Nascar . . .  
  
LANGLY (defensively): How was I supposed to know that the carriages weren't designed to undergo  
that kind of stress?  
  
REYES: Oh, well. Let's just skip to the song. (She clears her throat:) "Let the joyous news be spread:  
The wicked old witch at last is dead!"  
  
(Music for "Ding! Dong! The Witch Is Dead" starts.)  
  
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE (singing while they carry SCULLY and QUEEQUEG on their  
shoulders and march proudly march around): Ding!! Dong!! The witch is dead!!  
  
BYERS: Which old witch?  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE: Diana Fowley!!  
  
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE: Ding!! Dong!! Diana Fowley's dead!!  
  
Wake-up, you lazy bums!!  
Shout it out!! Strike the drums!!  
Ding!! Dong!! Diana Fowley's dead!!  
  
Diana of the Northwest, she met  
A very odd end,  
But, still,  
We must thank Dor'thy!!  
  
Ding!! Dong!! The merrio!!  
Sing it high!! Sing it low!!  
Sing it loud, Diana Fowley's dead!!  
  
(Music switches to the "Fa-la-la-la-la" thing.)  
  
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE:  
  
Fa-la-la-la-la  
La-la-la  
La-la-la!!  
Fa-la-la-la-la  
La-la!!  
  
Fa-la-la-la-la  
La-la-la  
La-la-la!!  
Fa-la-la-la-la  
La-la!!  
  
(Suddenly, the music is interrupted by a plume of red smoke. BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE jump  
behind some bushes, leaving SCULLY and QUEEQUEG behind. SCULLY & QUEEQUEG  
immediately rush to REYES. Out of the red smoke steps . . . Diana Fowley!! She is complete with  
black clothes, a witch hat, and green makeup. She looks around, and sees the Wicked Witch of the  
Northwest's remains. She rushes to them while SCULLY whispers nervously to REYES:)  
  
SCULLY: I thought she was dead?  
  
REYES: No, no . . . That was her clone, Diana Fowley, Wicked Witch of the Northwest. This is the  
original, Diana Fowley, Wicked Witch of the North*east*. She's worse than her clone, I'm afraid . . .  
  
FOWLEY (angrily in a witch's voice): Who killed my clone?! Who killed the Wicked Witch of the  
Northwest?  
  
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. It is still very dark in there, and all is quiet until there is a loud knock  
on the storm cellar door.)  
  
JIMMY: What's that?  
  
YVES: Probably the wind, Jimmy.  
  
JIMMY: No, it sounded like someone was knocking on the door.  
  
MULDER: He's right . . . Anybody want to go answer it?  
  
SKINNER: Not me.  
  
JIMMY: Not me.  
  
FOWLEY: Not me.  
  
YVES: It's a task somewhat beneath me . . .  
  
DOGGETT (annoyed): Why do you all have to be such wusses? I'll go answer it.  
  
(We hear some shuffling, until:)  
  
SKINNER: Ow!! Agent Doggett, you stepped on my back!!  
  
DOGGETT: Sorry, sir.  
  
JIMMY: Ow, Doggett!! You stepped on my hand!!  
  
DOGGETT: Sorry, Jimmy.  
  
YVES: If you dare to touch me again, Agent Doggett, I'll--   
  
MULDER: Uh, that was me, Yves. Sorry.  
  
FOWLEY: Ouch!! You creep, you kicked my nose!!  
  
DOGGETT: Sorry.  
  
(There is some more shuffling sounds, until suddenly there is a burst of light as DOGGETT opens the  
storm cellar door to reveal . . . a PIZZA GUY.)  
  
PIZZA GUY: Dude, uh, did somebody, like, order a pizza?  
  
DOGGETT (calling down to the others): Anybody order a pizza?  
  
YVES (wincing from the light): Nobody ordered a pizza, Agent Doggett.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Uh, actually, I ordered the pizza . . . All this typing sure makes  
me hungry . . . And, anyway, I wanted to make Mulder stop harassing Doggett . . .  
  
MULDER: Author's Pet!! Author's Pet!! Doggett is the Author's Pet!!  
  
(DOGGETT glares down at MULDER while CAPT. JANEWAY comes on the set to pay the PIZZA  
GUY.)  
  
MULDER: Hey, wait a minute . . . Aren't you *Scully's* pizza guy?  
  
PIZZA GUY: You mean, like, Dana? She is, like, *totally* the world's coolest tipper . . . This one  
time, right, she gave me--   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (cutting him off): All right, we don't need to hear your whole life's story, now . . .   
  
MULDER: YES, WE DO!!!!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: No, Mulder. (she takes the pizza from the PIZZA GUY and slams the storm  
cellar door shut:) We don't.  
  
MULDER: But--   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (ignoring MULDER): All right, who wants pizza?  
  
(Cut to: Back with SCULLY, QUEEQUEG, REYES, FOWLEY, and the Lone Gunmen:)  
  
SCULLY: I didn't mean to kill her, honest!! It was an accident!!  
  
FOWLEY: Uh-huh . . . *sure* you didn't. I can make accidents happen, too!!  
  
REYES: Aren't you forgetting something, Diana?  
  
FOWLEY (suddenly remembering): The ruby slippers!! Yes . . .  
  
(FOWLEY stalks to her clone's remains, where the ruby slippers are. Before she can get the ruby  
slippers, however, they disappear, and FOWLEY's clone's legs shrivel-up and disappear.)  
  
FOWLEY (angrily): The slippers!! They're gone!! You had something to do with this, Glinda, didn't  
you?!   
  
REYES: Here they are, and here they'll stay.  
  
(REYES points to SCULLY's feet, which are now wearing the ruby slippers.)  
  
FOWLEY (to SCULLY): Give them back to me!! Give them back . . . They're of no use to you!!  
  
REYES (to SCULLY): Don't give them to her! She wouldn't be such an annoying idiot if they weren't  
so powerful!  
  
FOWLEY: You stay out of this, Glinda, or I'll fix you so you'll never hum like a whale ever again!!  
  
REYES (laughing): Oh, no you won't. You have no power here, so be gone with you, before  
somebody else decides to drop a house on *you*.  
  
FOWLEY (as she nervously glances up at the sky): Very well. (to SCULLY:) And as for you, my  
pretty, even though it is true that I can't use my power here, I'm going to make life a living--   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): This is a "G" fic, Fowley . . .   
  
FOWLEY: --*heck* for you. You just *try* to stay out of my way, just try . . . I'll get you, my pretty,  
and your little dog, too!!  
  
(FOWLEY cackles malevolently as she disappears in a plume of fire and red smoke.)  
  
REYES: It's all right, Munchkins, you can all come out, now!!  
  
(The Lone Gunmen cautiously come out from behind the bushes.)  
  
REYES (to SCULLY): Well, I'm afraid that the Wicked Witch of the Northeast likes you even less  
than she did originally . . .   
  
SCULLY (worried): Oh, but how can Quee uh, Toto and I get back home? We can't go the way we  
came!  
  
REYES (deep in thought): That's true . . . (suddenly getting an idea) I know!! The President could help  
you.  
  
(The Lone Gunmen bow reverently.)  
  
REYES: If you complain about your problem enough, the President may grant your request.  
  
SCULLY: The President? Is he wicked?  
  
REYES: Oh, no, the President is very good, but very mysterious. He resides in his Pale Fortress on the  
Avenue of Pennsylvania in the Capital City.  
  
SCULLY: The Capital City? That sounds so far away!  
  
REYES: It is, but as long as you have your ruby slippers and follow the yellow brick road, you should  
be safe.  
  
SCULLY: But--   
  
REYES: Just follow the yellow brick road. (she hums a whale song as she begins to fade:) That's  
Killer Whalean for "Goodbye, Dorothy."  
  
(REYES fades into a bubble again and floats away.)  
  
LANGLY (relieved): Finally!! I thought she'd never leave!!  
  
FROHIKE: You wanna talk about frightening women . . . There's your classic example.  
  
SCULLY (walking with QUEEQUEG to where the yellow brick road begins): Follow the yellow brick  
road?  
  
BYERS (while SCULLY takes a few steps on the yellow brick road): Wait, Dorothy!! How do you  
know that Glinda wasn't a member of the most covert organization in the world!!  
  
FROHIKE: Like the CIA?!  
  
LANGLY: Or the FBI?  
  
(BYERS and FROHIKE give LANGLY an odd look.)  
  
SCULLY (ignoring them): Follow the yellow brick road . . .   
  
LANGLY: What is she doing?!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Just go along with it, guys . . .  
  
FROHIKE: Oh, fine . . . Follow the yellow brick road.  
  
BYERS (after SCULLY has taken a few more steps): Follow the yellow brick road.  
  
LANGLY: Follow the yellow brick road.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Follow the yellow brick road!!  
  
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE (singing while SCULLY skips along the yellow brick road with  
QUEEQUEG at her heels):  
  
Follow the yellow brick road!!  
Follow the yellow brick road!!  
Follow, follow, follow, follow,   
Follow the yellow brick road!!  
  
Follow the yellow brick,  
Follow the yellow brick,  
Follow the yellow brick road!!  
  
(Music changes to: "You're Off to See the Wizard" while SCULLY continues to skip along.)  
  
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE:  
  
You're off to bug the President!!  
The President of the U.S.!!  
We hear he was a Prez of a Prez,  
Or maybe he still is!!  
  
We're not sure because all those  
Verb tenses really trip us up,  
Because, because, because, because, because!!  
Because we got F's in English class!!  
  
You're off to bug the President!!  
The President of the U.S.!!  
  
(The Lone Gunmen wave goodbye to SCULLY and QUEEQUEG as they skip away.)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
Who will be the first to receive a slice of pizza from the benevolent Capt. Janeway in the storm cellar?   
Is Doggett really the Author's Pet? What will happen to Scully and Queequeg as they make the long  
and perilous journey to the President of the U.S. in his Pale Fortress?  
  
Don't you dare do anything!! I mean it: Don't you dare breathe, eat, sleep, or drink ANYTHING until  
next weekend when I release the third chapter!!  
  
In the meantime, please remember to review!! Thank you!! ;) 


	3. Chapter 3

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, okay, so I'm not quite the lean, mean, fanfiction-writing machine that I  
thought I was . . . In other words, I know this is late, so don't whine about it . . . Once again, thank you  
to everyone who reviewed the first two chapters . . . I love you all!!! You're all so special to me!!   
Kumbaya!! . . . I also have an apology for Jamie August regarding a comment I made in Chapter 2.   
(She's going to completely freak out now that I've mentioned her twice in the same fic . . .) You're  
right, Jamie; upon careful study, I too have concluded that Mister Patrick does indeed have Yoda ears  
rather than Ross Perot ears. (Not that it matters much to me; I like his cute little floppy ears . . .  
MULDER: Ha-ha!! Author's Pet!! Author's Pet!! Doggett is the Author's Pet!! / DOGGETT: You  
wore-out that joke in Chapter 2, you idiot!!) Please accept my most sincere of apologies.  
  
Anyway, enjoy Chapter 3!!  
  
(MULDER: Author's Pet!! Author's   
DOGGETT & CAPT. JANEWAY: SHUT-UP, MULDER!!!!!!!)  
  
Capt. Janeway ;)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .  
  
  
REYES (smiling): Are you a good witch or a bad witch?  
  
SCULLY: What?  
  
REYES: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?  
  
SCULLY (offended): Excuse me?! I am not a witch!!  
  
*  
  
SCULLY: Who are the Lone Munchkins?  
  
REYES: They're the little people who live in this land.   
  
*  
  
MULDER (singing annoyingly): Author's Pet!! Author's Pet!! Doggett is the Author's Pet!!  
  
*  
  
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE (singing while they carry SCULLY and QUEEQUEG on their  
shoulders and march proudly march around): Ding!! Dong!! The witch is dead!!  
  
BYERS: Which old witch?  
  
LANGLY & FROHIKE: Diana Fowley!!  
  
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE: Ding!! Dong!! Diana Fowley's dead!!  
  
*  
  
SCULLY: I thought she was dead?  
  
REYES: No, no . . . That was her clone, Diana Fowley, Wicked Witch of the Northwest. This is the  
original, Diana Fowley, Wicked Witch of the North*east*. She's worse than her clone, I'm afraid . . .  
  
FOWLEY (angrily in a witch's voice): Who killed my clone?! Who killed the Wicked Witch of the  
Northwest?  
  
*  
  
PIZZA GUY: Dude, uh, did somebody, like, order a pizza?  
  
*  
  
REYES: If you complain about your problem enough, the President may grant your request.  
  
SCULLY: The President? Is he wicked?  
  
REYES: Oh, no, the President is very good, but very mysterious. He resides in his Pale Fortress on the  
Avenue of Pennsylvania in the Capital City.  
  
*  
  
BYERS, LANGLY, & FROHIKE (singing): . . . You're off to bug the President!! The President of the  
U.S.!!  
  
*  
  
AND NOW, CHAPTER 3 . . .  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: On the Yellow Brick Road with SCULLY and QUEEQUEG. SCULLY is happily walking  
along when she comes to a fork in the road. It is divided by a large cornfield with a scarecrow in it . . .  
Gee, that scarecrow sure looks familiar, doesn't he? Hmmmm . . . SCULLY is puzzled:)  
  
SCULLY: Follow the yellow brick road? Which yellow brick road?! (muttering to herself:) Stupid  
Reyes thinks she knows what she's talking about . . .  
  
MULDER (as the Scarecrow): Excuse me, but that way's a very nice way.  
  
(He points to his right. SCULLY looks up at him just as he freezes and becomes a plain old inanimate  
scarecrow again.)  
  
SCULLY (shaking her head): I'm getting delusional . . . Scarecrows don't talk, do they, Toto?  
  
(QUEEQUEG yelps.)  
  
MULDER (continuing when SCULLY isn't looking): Although that way's nice, too.  
  
(MULDER points to his left and freezes.)  
  
SCULLY (looking up at MULDER): That's strange . . . I could've sworn he was pointing the other way  
. . .   
  
MULDER: And then there are some people who go both ways.  
  
(MULDER crosses his arms over his chest so his right hand is pointing to his left, and his left hand is  
pointing to his right. If you've ever seen the movie, you know what I'm talking about SCULLY sees  
him, and is shocked:)  
  
SCULLY: Why, you *did* say something, didn't you?  
  
(MULDER shakes his head vehemently, then decides to nod it.)  
  
SCULLY: What's wrong with you? Can't you make up your mind?  
  
MULDER: That's the trouble: I *can't* make up my mind. I haven't got an actor--uh, brain. (sadly:)  
Only straw.  
  
SCULLY: That's ridiculous! You wouldn't be alive without a brain.  
  
MULDER (genuinely puzzled): I wouldn't?  
  
SCULLY: You wouldn't, trust me. I'm a medical doctor.  
  
MULDER: Oh.  
  
SCULLY: Well, I guess we haven't exactly been properly introduced, now, have we?  
  
MULDER (getting annoyed): Look, can we just get this over with? It's not like we're perfect  
strangers. I have officially kissed you *twice* now, not to mention the fact that everyone assumes I'm  
the father of your baby . . .  
  
SCULLY: That's not true, Mulder . . .   
  
MULDER: Where have you been, Scully?! Have you read *any* of the fanfiction that's been going  
around since Season Seven?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (in a tired voice from off-camera): Character, guys. Stay in character.  
  
MULDER (clearing his throat): I don't believe we have.  
  
SCULLY (politely): Well, how do you do?  
  
MULDER (smiling): How do you do?  
  
SCULLY: Very well, thank you.  
  
MULDER (scowling): Oh, I'm not doing very well at all.  
  
SCULLY: Why not?  
  
MULDER: Well, it's really kind of hard to be all perky and happy when a stupid fanfiction author has  
stuck a pole up your back . . .  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): I heard that!!  
  
SCULLY (genuinely sympathetic): Oh, that must be terrible!!  
  
MULDER: It is.  
  
SCULLY: Can't you get down?  
  
MULDER: Well, I--  
  
SCULLY: Oh, here, let me help you . . .   
  
MULDER: That's really nice of you . . . Thanks . . .  
  
(SCULLY goes behind MULDER and pulls a little lever on the pole down. MULDER comes tumbling  
off the pole, and rolls down the little hill until he lands in the yellow brick road.)  
  
SCULLY: Oh, my goodness!! Are you all right?  
  
MULDER: I'm fine. (after a moment:) Did I scare you?  
  
SCULLY: Well, you are Spooky . . .   
  
MULDER: Yeah, but did I scare you?  
  
SCULLY: No.  
  
MULDER (sadly): Oh, darn.  
  
SCULLY: What's wrong?  
  
MULDER: Well, see, that's another part of my complex web of personal problems . . . My parents are  
dead, my sister is missing, I can't investigate the X-Files anymore, I haven't got an actor, I haven't got a  
brain, *and* I can't scare any crows.  
  
SCULLY (giving him an odd look): You sure do have a lot of problems, don't you?  
  
MULDER: Tell me about it. (sadly:) Oh, I'm a failure because I haven't got a brain . . .   
  
SCULLY: Well, what would you do if you had a brain?  
  
MULDER: What would I do? Why, I would . . .  
  
(Music for "If I Only Had a Brain" starts.)  
  
MULDER (singing):  
  
I'd investigate a flower,  
Watch Cancer Man's friends cower  
While they're dragged-off enchained.  
  
(MULDER gets to his feet and starts to do a wobbly little dance.)  
  
MULDER (continuing his song):  
  
Oh! Criminals I'd be catchin',  
Relationships I'd be patchin',  
If I only had a brain!  
  
I might learn to play the fiddle,  
Sing a song 'bout a riddle,  
And skip o'er the refrain.  
  
SCULLY (singing as she joins him in the little dance):  
  
With the thoughts you'd be thinkin'  
You could be another Lincoln  
If you only had a brain!  
  
MULDER:  
  
Oh, I  
Could tell you why  
Krycek didn't die b'fore  
Season Eight and let us get a little bored!  
And then I'd sit  
And think some more!  
  
I would not just be a nothin',  
My head all full of stuffin',  
My heart all full of pain.  
  
I would dance and be merry!  
Life would be a ding-a-derry  
If I only had a brain!!  
  
(MULDER loses his balance . . .)  
  
MULDER (uneasily): Whoa!!  
  
(. . . And he falls backward. SCULLY rushes up to him and helps him back up.)  
  
SCULLY (delighted): Wonderful!! That was so wonderful!! Why, if the scarecrows back in Kansas  
could do that, there's no telling what kind of an episode they'd do about it!!  
  
MULDER (very interested): You really think so?  
  
SCULLY: Absolutely!  
  
MULDER: Where's Kansas?  
  
SCULLY: Kansas is my home, and I want to get back there so badly that I'm going all the way to the  
Capital City to complain about it to the President.  
  
MULDER (getting an idea): Do you think that if I complain about my problems, the President would  
give me a brain?  
  
SCULLY: I don't know. (after a moment:) But even if he didn't, you'd be no worse off than you were  
before.  
  
MULDER: That's true . . . Oh, Scul--uh, Dorothy, could you take me with you to the Capital City to  
see the President?  
  
SCULLY: Of course I could . . . (suddenly remembering:) But maybe you shouldn't come with me.   
I've got the Wicked Witch of the Northeast after me, and you might get hurt.  
  
MULDER (proudly): I'm not afraid of anything . . . (proudness deteriorating:) Uh, except for fire. I'm  
scared to death of fire, especially after that whole thing about Phoebe Greene.  
  
SCULLY: I don't blame you. That was a horrible episode.  
  
MULDER (proudly again): But I'd face a whole army of Phoebe Greenes if it meant I could get a brain!  
  
SCULLY: Well . . . In that case, I guess it wouldn't hurt.  
  
MULDER: To Oz--uh, I mean, the Capital City?  
  
SCULLY (happily): To the Capital City!!  
  
MULDER & SCULLY (arm-in-arm as they do a happy little skippy-dance on the yellow brick road  
with QUEEQUEG at their heels while they sing):  
  
We're off to bug the President!!  
The President of the U.S.!!  
We hear he was a Prez of a Prez,  
Or maybe he still is!!  
  
We're not sure because all those  
Verb tenses really trip us up,  
Because, because, because, because, because!!  
Because we got F's in English class!!  
  
We're off to bug the President!!  
The President of the U.S.!!  
  
SCULLY (suddenly stopping, jolting MULDER to a stop): Wait a minute!! Which way do we go?!  
  
MULDER (looking quizzically at the fork in the road): That's a very good question . . .   
  
SCULLY: Capt. Janeway? Which way should we go?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (unsure from off-camera): Uh . . . Try right--No!! Go left!! Go to your left!!  
  
MULDER (suspiciously): Are you sure, Capt. Janeway, or are you trying to set us up to get lost and  
fill-up the rest of the space in this chapter?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (coyly from off-camera): My dear Mulder, have I ever deceived you?  
  
SCULLY: I don't know . . .   
  
MULDER (vehemently): I am not trusting someone who likes Doggett better than me!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Fine, suit yourself. Just remember when you're lost in the  
middle of nowhere that I tried to help you two.  
  
SCULLY: Mulder, maybe we should listen to her . . .  
  
MULDER (grudgingly): Oh, fine.  
  
(MULDER and SCULLY do their happy little skippy-dance down the left path.)  
  
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. Thanks to a little author's magic, all the candles have been re-lit, and  
everyone is huddled around eating pizza, including CAPT. JANEWAY.)  
  
MULDER (through a mouthful of pizza): I better be getting paid extra now for doing two roles in the  
same fic, Capt. Janeway.  
  
FOWLEY: Yeah, me too!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (not really paying attention to them due to the fact that she is reading a very thick  
book): Right, right, of course you are.  
  
FOWLEY: *And* I want an all-expenses-paid trip to Honolulu . . .   
  
(CAPT. JANEWAY looks up from her book just long enough to shoot FOWLEY a look of death.)  
  
FOWLEY (wisely backing down): Or . . . Maybe not.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Thank you, Fowley. Remember, our goal is not to see how rapidly we can  
deplete my meager budget, but how *slowly* we can deplete it.  
  
FOWLEY: Sorry.  
  
JIMMY: This pizza's great!!  
  
YVES (looking at the pizza box with disgust): I don't understand how you can eat this all the time . . .  
It's so greasy and fattening . . .  
  
DOGGETT (reaching for his fifth slice of pizza): What's so greasy and fattening?  
  
YVES: Agent Doggett, you're acting as if you've never had a decent meal in years!  
  
DOGGETT (sheepishly): Well, that's kinda true . . . Ever since the tragic incident regarding my  
significant other occurred. I can't cook the way my significant other did.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (trying to hide her jealousy): Significant other?  
  
DOGGETT: Yeah. Chris Carter still hasn't decided who my significant other was and what happened  
to her.  
  
MULDER: How do you know you had a significant other?  
  
DOGGETT (giving an annoyed sigh): All right. Mulder, here's what I know about my past: I was in the  
NYPD, I was in the Marines, I had a son named Luke, and Luke was brutally murdered at some point  
in my life. Now, in order for me to have *ever* had a son, there must have been a significant other of  
some kind in my past to--  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (cutting him off before he says something that nobody really needs to hear): Okay,  
Doggett, I think he gets the picture.  
  
JIMMY: I wonder what happened to her.  
  
DOGGETT: I hope I find out soon about all that . . . (he shifts uncomfortably:) I don't like all these  
gaps in my past.  
  
FOWLEY: It's probably one of three things: (a) She died of a tragic disease, (b) She was murdered,  
(c) She was kidnaped and is missing to this very day, or (d) You two got a divorce and there's a lot of  
bitterness about it.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: That's *four* things, not three.  
  
(FOWLEY glares at CAPT. JANEWAY, but says nothing.)  
  
DOGGETT: If I had my choice, I think it'd be (a). It would be something that nobody had any control  
over, and *certain paranoid freaks* couldn't try to tell me that she was abducted by aliens.  
  
MULDER: I hope it's (d).  
  
DOGGETT (dryly): It's so nice to know that you hope for such nice things in my life, Mulder.  
  
MULDER (sarcastically): Only the best for a friend.  
  
SKINNER (angrily): It better not be (d)!!   
  
FOWLEY: Why not?  
  
SKINNER: Because they'd make a whole episode about her coming back or something to interfere  
with Doggett's life!!  
  
DOGGETT (shuddering): That would *really* make a pathetic episode.  
  
SKINNER (muttering): Chris Carter better be reading this . . .  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (putting her book down): Okay, guys, well, I think I should go back off-camera  
now . . .   
  
YVES (suspiciously): Why?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (giving an exasperated sigh): Because I just have to!  
  
(CAPT. JANEWAY, with her book in hand, walks off the set. Suddenly, we see JIMMY bolt upright  
where he's sitting.)  
  
JIMMY (nervously): Uh . . . Guys?  
  
YVES (annoyed): What, Jimmy?  
  
JIMMY: I . . . I think something just brushed my leg . . .   
  
(He frantically looks around him, but the candles aren't bright enough for him to see well.)  
  
YVES: It's just your imagination, Jimmy.  
  
JIMMY: No, it's not . . .  
  
MULDER (very enthusiastically): Did it have fangs? Was it Bigfoot?! Oh, for crying out loud, WAS  
IT MY SISTER?!?! WAS IT A CLONE OF MY SISTER?!!?!?!!??! WAS IT AN ALIEN?!?!?!?  
  
DOGGETT & SKINNER: Cut it out, Mulder!!  
  
MULDER (continuing): IT WAS THE ALIEN BOUNTY HUNTER, WASN'T IT?!?!?!!?!?!!??!!  
  
DOGGETT, SKINNER, FOWLEY, & YVES: MULDER!!!  
  
MULDER (sheepishly): Uh . . . heh-heh . . . Sorry. I guess I got a little carried away there . . .  
  
FOWLEY: A *little*?  
  
JIMMY (panicking): Guys?!  
  
DOGGETT: Yeah?  
  
JIMMY: That thing that just brushed my leg a minute ago?  
  
MULDER: Yeah?  
  
JIMMY: It's still there!!  
  
YVES (rolling her eyes): Let me see, Jimmy . . .  
  
(YVES stoops down to have a look at JIMMY's leg. She seems to notice something strange, then  
realizes:)  
  
YVES: Jimmy, you're sitting on the arm of a chair!  
  
JIMMY (looking down): I am!!  
  
(JIMMY positions himself correctly in the chair.)  
  
JIMMY (pleasantly surprised): Hey, this is really nice and comfortable!  
  
DOGGETT (squinting to see): I think I see another one over there . . .  
  
SKINNER (standing to get a better look): They're all clustered around Jimmy . . .   
  
MULDER: And they're all facing the same direction, too . . .  
  
(Everyone gets up and sits in a chair. DOGGETT grabs what remains of the pizza and takes it with  
him. They're big comfortable fold-up theater chairs. Suddenly, the light dims, and a screen is  
revealed in front of them.)  
  
ANNOUNCER (on the movie screen): Thank you for not smoking and for remaining quiet during the  
movie . . .  
  
FOWLEY (whispering sarcastically): How does he *know* we're not smoking and talking during the  
movie?  
  
MULDER (genuinely puzzled): I don't know . . . The screen must act as some sort of a telepathic  
conduit for the announcer . . .  
  
SKINNER (in an angry whisper): Shut-up, Mulder! He might have something important to say!  
  
ANNOUNCER (continuing): . . . And don't forget to stop by the Concessions for popcorn and soda . .  
.   
  
DOGGETT (sarcastically whispering to SKINNER): Oooh, that was a *real* important message,  
wasn't it?  
  
SKINNER (angrily whispering to DOGGETT): Shut-up, Agent Doggett!!  
  
ANNOUNCER (continuing): . . . Now, because this is a parody written by Capt. Janeway and  
therefore makes no sense whatsoever, we are allowing the audience to vote on which of the following  
movies they'd like to see--   
  
(Suddenly, REGIS PHILBIN from "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" appears on the screen. He  
shoves the ANNOUNCER off-camera and picks up where the ANNOUNCER left off:)  
  
REGIS (talking as if he were hosting "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire"): And here's tonight's  
fastest-finger question:  
  
Which of the following movies do you want to see?  
  
(A) "Return to Me," with David Duchovny and somebody else  
(B) "Terminator 2," with Robert Patrick and some guy named Arnold  
(C) "The Wizard of Oz," with a bunch of people from the 1930's  
(D) "X-Files: Fight the Future," with David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson  
  
(Suddenly, the ANNOUNCER comes back and fights with REGIS:)  
  
ANNOUNCER: Stay on "Millionaire" where you belong!!  
  
REGIS: Is that your final answer, idiot?!!?!  
  
ANNOUNCER: Yeah!!  
  
REGIS: Oh yeah?!  
  
ANNOUNCER: Yeah!!  
  
(ANNOUNCER turns back to the audience:)  
  
ANNOUNCER: Well, anyway, use those keypads and decide.  
  
(Everyone tries to decide:)  
  
MULDER: "Return to Me"!!! Everyone vote for "Return to Me"!!  
  
DOGGETT: No!! Vote for "Terminator 2"!! Mushy romantic comedies are evil!! Pure evil!! Go for  
action!!  
  
(Eventually, everyone votes.)  
  
REGIS (after managing to shove the ANNOUNCER away again): You have chosen "X-Files: Fight the  
Future," with David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson.  
  
YVES (angrily): We did not, you liar!!  
  
JIMMY: *I* voted for "Terminator 2"!!  
  
FOWLEY (in a whiny voice): I feel disenfranchised!!  
  
SKINNER: I voted for "The Wizard of Oz"!  
  
MULDER (offended): You WHAT?!  
  
SKINNER: Sorry, Mulder, but I had to vote my conscience.  
  
MULDER: Diana, you voted for "Return to Me," right?  
  
FOWLEY: No, I chose "The Wizard of Oz."  
  
MULDER (panicking): Yves, you voted for--   
  
YVES: No, I didn't. I'm in the mood for a little action . . .   
  
DOGGETT (doing a little happy dance): Yes!! Ha!! Three to one!!   
  
MULDER (angrily): I DEMAND A RECOUNT!!  
  
(Meanwhile, the ANNOUNCER manages to shove REGIS off-camera for good.)  
  
ANNOUNCER (breathless from fighting REGIS): Please . . . (pant!!) . . . enjoy our . . . (pant!!   
pant!!) . . . Feature Presentation.  
  
(Exhausted, the ANNOUNCER collapses just as the screen starts to go dark. Suddenly, the opening  
notes for the X-Files theme can be heard:)  
  
SKINNER (putting his hands over his glasses): Oh, no, *please*, no . . .  
  
FOWLEY: Why wasn't *I* in the movie, Fox?  
  
MULDER: I don't know . . .  
  
DOGGETT (cheerfully as he points to the screen): Hey!! Look!! It's a caveman walking in the snow!!  
  
MULDER (sarcastically): Oh, yes, how delightful . . . Little does he know he will fall prey to the evil  
alien in the cave within a matter of minutes . . .   
  
JIMMY: How come we don't have a movie, Yves?  
  
YVES (annoyed): Because we got . . . Oh, be quiet and watch the movie!!  
  
(Cut to: MULDER, SCULLY, & QUEEQUEG somewhere along the Yellow Brick Road. They are  
obviously very lost:)  
  
MULDER (loudly): We just *had* to listen to the fanfiction author who hates my guts, didn't we?!  
  
SCULLY (looking around): Well, we can't be *that* far away from where we're supposed to be . . .  
  
MULDER (continuing): I knew we shouldn't have listened to her . . .   
  
SCULLY (shortly): Well, maybe you should have said something, Mister No-Brain!  
  
MULDER: Hey, don't pick on my character!! The Scarecrow is a very good and noble person--   
  
SCULLY: Who doesn't have a brain. (changing the subject:) Let's try to go back the way we came.  
  
MULDER: Don't you have a map?  
  
SCULLY (unsure): I don't think so . . .   
  
(SCULLY digs through her little basket while QUEEQUEG decides to wander off-camera a little.   
Suddenly, SCULLY discovers something:)  
  
SCULLY (as she happily pulls it out of her basket): I *do* have a map!!  
  
(SCULLY quickly unfolds the map and analyzes it very carefully while MULDER looks around.)  
  
SCULLY: According to the map, we should have gone to some forest with a bunch of rude apple trees  
who don't like it when we try to pick their apples.  
  
MULDER (sarcastically): Sounds like a nice place.  
  
SCULLY (continuing): Uh . . . And then there's something about a Tin Man in here . . .   
  
MULDER (puzzled): Tin Man?  
  
SCULLY: Yeah.  
  
(Suddenly, from somewhere in the bushes, we hear QUEEQUEG start to bark. SCULLY and  
MULDER rush to find QUEEQUEG. We see QUEEQUEG sniffing some piece of metal that has an  
uncanny resemblance to a foot . . . in fact, it's attached to a metal leg . . . Eventually, MULDER and  
SCULLY find QUEEQUEG.)  
  
MULDER: What is it, Queequeg?  
  
SCULLY (looking up a little): Why, it's a man!! A man made--   
  
MULDER (quickly cutting her off): Where? I don't see anyone.  
  
SCULLY (surprised): Mulder, he's right in front of you!! It's a man!! A man made out of--   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Shut-up, Scully, before you ruin Chapter 4!!  
  
SCULLY: Yeah, but it's a man!! I mean, not just any ordinary man, but a man made out of--   
  
MULDER & CAPT. JANEWAY: SHUT-UP, SCULLY!!!!  
  
SCULLY (getting very annoyed): Why won't anyone let me finish?! What's so bad about talking about  
a man made out of--   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily from off-camera): That's IT!!! I'm ending this chapter RIGHT NOW  
before you ruin Chapter 4, Scully!!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
Who is this mysterious man that Scully is referring to, and what is he made of? Are our two  
friends and beloved dog Queequeg really lost, or was Capt. Janeway actually telling the truth? And  
what will become of our friends trapped watching their own movie in the storm cellar?  
  
Tune in (or, actually, log-on) next time to find out what will happen in . . . BUM! BUM!   
BUUUUUM!!! . . . Chapter 4.  
  
By the way, please remember to review like crazy!! It's the only way I can tell how much my  
work has progressed or digressed. Thank you!! ;)  



	4. Chapter 4

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hey, what do you know, I'm actually posting this chapter on time!! Yay for  
me!! And a yay for you, too, dear readers, because that means you get to read Chapter 4 . . . As  
usual, thanx to all the lovely people who have reviewed the previous chapters, and I would appreciate it  
if we could have some applause for my courageously devoted fans (come on, raise your hands; I know  
there are two or three of you out there) . . . I also have yet another apology to make (am I a sorry  
person or what? LOL): I was not the one who came up with the idea for the whole  
"movie-theater-in-the-storm-cellar" thing. That was my dad. So, thank you, Daddy, for letting me steal  
you idea, LOL . . . Heh-heh, this chapter will introduce the Tin Man, and I think you all will probably  
approve of my choice for the Tin Man; re-writing the song "If I Only Had a Heart" was a real challenge,  
but I think I pulled that one off pretty well, if I do say so myself . . .  
  
Anyway, happy reading!!  
  
Capt. Janeway ;)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .  
  
SCULLY: Follow the yellow brick road? Which yellow brick road?! (muttering to herself:) Stupid  
Reyes thinks she knows what she's talking about . . .  
  
*  
  
SCULLY: Why, you *did* say something, didn't you?  
  
(MULDER shakes his head vehemently, then decides to nod it.)  
  
SCULLY: What's wrong with you? Can't you make up your mind?  
  
MULDER: That's the trouble: I *can't* make up my mind. I haven't got an actor--uh, brain. (sadly:)  
Only straw.  
  
*  
  
MULDER (singing):  
  
Oh! Criminals I'd be catchin',  
Relationships I'd be patchin',  
If I only had a brain!  
  
*  
  
MULDER (getting an idea): Do you think that if I complain about my problems, the President would  
give me a brain?  
  
SCULLY: I don't know. (after a moment:) But even if he didn't, you'd be no worse off than you were  
before.  
  
*  
  
MULDER & SCULLY (arm-in-arm as they do a happy little skippy-dance on the yellow brick road  
with QUEEQUEG at their heels while they sing):  
  
We're off to bug the President!!  
The President of the U.S.!!  
We hear he was a Prez of a Prez,  
Or maybe he still is!!  
  
*  
  
DOGGETT: Chris Carter still hasn't decided who my significant other was and what happened to her.  
  
*  
  
JIMMY (nervously): Uh . . . Guys?  
  
YVES (annoyed): What, Jimmy?  
  
JIMMY: I . . . I think something just brushed my leg . . .   
  
*  
  
MULDER (very enthusiastically): Did it have fangs? Was it Bigfoot?! Oh, for crying out loud, WAS  
IT MY SISTER?!?! WAS IT A CLONE OF MY SISTER?!!?!?!!??! WAS IT AN ALIEN?!?!?!?  
  
DOGGETT & SKINNER: Cut it out, Mulder!!  
  
MULDER (continuing): IT WAS THE ALIEN BOUNTY HUNTER, WASN'T IT?!?!?!!?!?!!??!!  
  
DOGGETT, SKINNER, FOWLEY, & YVES: MULDER!!!  
  
*  
  
ANNOUNCER (on the movie screen): Thank you for not smoking and for remaining quiet during the  
movie . . .  
  
*  
  
REGIS (after managing to shove the ANNOUNCER away again): You have chosen "X-Files: Fight the  
Future," with David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson.  
  
YVES (angrily): We did not, you liar!!  
  
*  
  
MULDER (loudly): We just *had* to listen to the fanfiction author who hates my guts, didn't we?!  
  
*  
  
SCULLY: Yeah, but it's a man!! I mean, not just any ordinary man, but a man made out of--   
  
MULDER & CAPT. JANEWAY: SHUT-UP, SCULLY!!!!  
  
SCULLY (getting very annoyed): Why won't anyone let me finish?! What's so bad about talking about  
a man made out of--   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily from off-camera): That's IT!!! I'm ending this chapter RIGHT NOW  
before you ruin Chapter 4, Scully!!  
  
*  
  
AND NOW, CHAPTER 4 . . .   
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: With MULDER, SCULLY, QUEEQUEG, and our view of the metal leg; right where we left  
off in the previous chapter. SCULLY appears to be very annoyed:)  
  
SCULLY (impatiently): *Now* can I say it?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Yes, Scully, you can say it.  
  
SCULLY (clearing her throat): Ahem . . . (unsuccessfully trying to put the surprise back in her voice:)   
Why, it is a man. Wow. A man made out of . . .   
  
(SCULLY looks around for a moment to make sure that she will have absolutely no interruptions.   
Satisfied, she turns her attention back to the man.)  
  
SCULLY: A man made out of . . . TIN!!!  
  
(The camera pulls back to reveal DOGGETT in the Tin Man costume, complete with silver makeup  
and an axe that is the exact same shade of silver that he is.)  
  
MULDER (dismayed): Oh, no . . . No, no, no, no, NO! This is not happening!!  
  
SCULLY (glaring at him): Mulder, that was *my* famous line that you just stole.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY ( angrily from off-camera): Character!! How many times do I have to tell  
everyone to stay in character?!  
  
DOGGETT (straining to get his message out in a little high-pitched voice): Moyckeeee . . .   
  
(MULDER and SCULLY jump at the sound.)  
  
SCULLY (to MULDER): Did he just say something?  
  
MULDER (as innocently as he can): Did he? I didn't hear anything. It must've been the wind.  
  
DOGGETT (trying again): Oycah . . .  
  
SCULLY: He *did* say something!!  
  
MULDER (panicking): Oh, well . . . It really must be your imagination, Scul--uh, Dorothy. Really,  
artificial intelligence? (he shakes his head with disbelief:) Yeah, right!  
  
(DOGGETT rolls his eyes and tries again, straining as hard as he can to make himself clear:)  
  
DOGGETT: Oy . . . Yull . . . Cannn . . .   
  
SCULLY (trying to listen carefully): "Oy-yull-cannn"?  
  
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. We see our Storm Cellar Gang watching our dear friend the X-Files  
movie:)  
  
DOGGETT (confused): Okay, now, tell me again: Exactly *why* did Mulder go to the wrong building  
to look for the bomb?  
  
MULDER (annoyed): Because it said so in the script!!  
  
DOGGETT: Yeah, but even though you caught the bomb, it was still a pretty stupid idea.  
  
MULDER (angrily): Look, it wasn't my fault!! Chris Carter made me do it!!  
  
SKINNER: Oh, sure, blame it on poor ol' Chris Carter, Mulder!  
  
FOWLEY (angrily): Shut-up, all of you!! I want to see this movie that *I* had no part in.  
  
YVES (muttering): And probably for good reason . . .  
  
FOWLEY: What did you say?!  
  
YVES (coyly): Nothing.  
  
DOGGETT (nervously as he looks up at the screen): Uh-oh, Agent Scully's got those Pouty-Wouty  
eyes again . . .  
  
MULDER (suspiciously): You know that look?  
  
DOGGETT (with great dread): All too well, Mulder. Ever heard of an episode called "This Is Not  
Happening"?  
  
MULDER: No.  
  
DOGGETT: Trust me, when it's aired, run for your life. I mean it.  
  
JIMMY: Why is Scully so sad?  
  
MULDER (trying to remember): Um . . . I think because she's getting transferred or something, and so  
she's quitting . . . Some weird thing like that.  
  
SKINNER: I hate those old glasses I'm wearing in the movie.  
  
FOWLEY: What, you don't like the geeky look?  
  
SKINNER (shortly): Aren't you supposed to be dead, Agent Fowley?  
  
DOGGETT (looking at the screen again): Mulder, I didn't know you drink!!  
  
MULDER: What, you, the Manly Man among us, don't?  
  
DOGGETT: No.  
  
JIMMY (standing up): Anybody want some popcorn? Soda?  
  
DOGGETT (hungrily): Popcorn!! Soda!! FOOD!!  
  
FOWLEY: I'll take a diet Pepsi.  
  
MULDER: Get me a super-duper bucket of popcorn.  
  
YVES: I'll take a bottled water.  
  
SKINNER: Can I get some gummy bears?  
  
JIMMY (excitedly): You like them, too?!  
  
SKINNER (also excited): Oh, yeah, I like them all!! Uh, except for the pineapple ones. Those are  
gross.  
  
JIMMY: Yeah. Well, I'll be back in a little while . . . Yves, save my seat.  
  
YVES (pretending to be distracted by the movie): Right, whatever, Jimmy.  
  
(Cut back to: MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, & QUEEQUEG on the Yellow Brick Road.   
SCULLY is still trying to figure out what DOGGETT is trying to say, while MULDER continues to try  
to talk her out of helping DOGGETT:)  
  
MULDER (trying to sound reasonable): Okay, Dorothy, so maybe you're right. Maybe he did say  
something. So what? He's a talking robot, and he's probably malfunctioning or something . . . (getting  
too caught up in his idea:) Or maybe he's part of the Conspiracy, or from outer space, and is here to  
destroy life as we know it, and--   
  
SCULLY: Mulder, stop doing that!  
  
DOGGETT (getting very frustrated): Oyulcahn!  
  
SCULLY (thinking hard): "Oyulcahn"? What's "oyulcahn"?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (yelling from off-camera): It's "oilcan," Scully!! Oilcan!!  
  
DOGGETT (eagerly): Oyulcahn!  
  
SCULLY (innocently): You know, Mulder um, Scarecrow, I think he's trying to say "oilcan."  
  
MULDER: Well, that's a weird thing to ask for.  
  
SCULLY (looking around): Hmmm . . . Where's the oilcan?  
  
(A LAZY STAGEHAND rushes on to the set and hands SCULLY the oilcan which of course is the  
exact same shade of silver as DOGGETT and his axe. SCULLY's face lights-up with discovery as  
the LAZY STAGEHAND runs away, fearful of CAPT. JANEWAY's wrath.)  
  
DOGGETT (happily): Oyulcahn!!  
  
SCULLY: Why, here's the oilcan!! (to DOGGETT:) Where do you want to be oiled first, Tin Man?  
  
DOGGETT (straining to get the new message out): My . . . my mouf . . .  
  
SCULLY (puzzled): "Mouf"? What's that?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (yelling from off-camera): His mouth!! He wants you to oil his mouth!!  
  
SCULLY: Oh!! You mean your mouth!!  
  
DOGGETT (happily): Yeah . . .   
  
SCULLY: All right . . .   
  
(SCULLY stands on her tip-toes with the oilcan, and is about to start oiling DOGGETT's mouth when  
MULDER suddenly grabs her arm:)  
  
MULDER (urgently): Are you sure you want to do this?  
  
SCULLY (puzzled): Why wouldn't I?  
  
MULDER (nervously whispering): He's got an axe, Scully . . . He could chop us into little pieces . . .   
  
(DOGGETT, who apparently heard what MULDER said, rolls his eyes.)  
  
SCULLY: That's ridiculous, Mulder. And anyway, I'd only be oiling his mouth. He can't hold an axe  
with his mouth.  
  
MULDER: All right. Don't say I didn't warn you, though.  
  
(SCULLY stands on her tip-toes with the oilcan again and oils DOGGETT's mouth. We hear the  
screeching of metal grinding against metal as DOGGETT tries to speak:)  
  
DOGGETT (with each word becoming easier to say): My . . . my . . . my . . . my mouth!! My mouth!!   
I can talk again!!  
  
SCULLY: What a mess you are!  
  
MULDER: You could say that again . . .  
  
DOGGETT (ignoring MULDER): Oil my arms, please!! Oil my elbows!!  
  
(SCULLY starts to oil DOGGETT's arms.)  
  
SCULLY: How did you get like this?  
  
DOGGETT: Well, I was chopping down a tree one day, when it started to rain. I tried to keep going  
and get the job done, but in only about five minutes or so, I rusted solid. I was just like that until today.  
  
SCULLY: Oh, well, you're perfect now.  
  
(MULDER gives SCULLY an odd look.)  
  
SCULLY (defensively to MULDER): What? It's my line!  
  
DOGGETT (continuing): Perfect? (proudly:) Bang on my chest if you think I'm perfect.  
  
(Both SCULLY and MULDER give DOGGETT an odd look.)  
  
DOGGETT (still proud): Go ahead, bang on it.  
  
(SCULLY knocks on the part of the Tin Man costume that is over DOGGETT's chest. An echo can  
be heard.)  
  
MULDER: Let me guess . . . You're sad because you're all hollow. (imitating the Tin Man from the  
real "Wizard of Oz":) "The tinsmith forgot to give me a heart."  
  
DOGGETT: That's almost right, except for one thing: I'm not sad.  
  
SCULLY (surprised): You're not?  
  
DOGGETT (proudly): Who needs a heart? Hearts are for wusses!!  
  
MULDER: Well, what do you want, then?  
  
DOGGETT: Huh?  
  
SCULLY: Everyone wants something, Tin Man. I want to go back to Kansas, and the Scarecrow  
wants a brain.  
  
DOGGETT (smirking at MULDER): How appropriate.  
  
MULDER (glaring at DOGGETT as he mutters): Shut-up, Tin Man.  
  
SCULLY (ignoring the previous two lines): So you have to want something.  
  
DOGGETT: I don't know . . . All I know is that I definitely don't want a heart.  
  
(Music for "If I Only Had a Heart" starts.)  
  
DOGGETT (singing):  
  
When you don't want to be a wimp,  
But your ego's not a blimp,  
You're off to a bad start.  
  
So that's the problem I've got,  
But I'd never have a shot  
If I ever got a heart!  
  
With a heart I would be mushy,  
And sickeningly slushy.  
From my machoness I'd dart!  
  
I'd become very boring;  
The audience would be snoring  
If I ever got a heart!  
  
Picture me!  
A balcony,  
Above, a voice sings low . . .  
  
A RIDICULOUSLY FEMININE VOICE: Wherefore art thou, Romeo?  
  
(A loud "Thud-thud.")  
  
DOGGETT: I hear a beat!  
  
(A loud "Thud-thud.")  
  
THE RIDICULOUSLY FEMININE VOICE (shocked): *You're* not Romeo!! Eeek!  
  
DOGGETT (continuing his song):  
  
At least I'm not like the Scarecrow,  
And want a lot of dough  
For doing a seas'n in part!  
  
(MULDER glares at DOGGETT, but says nothing as DOGGETT concludes:)  
  
But I know that I'd be  
So incredibly unhappy  
If I ever got a heart!  
  
(Music for "If I Only Had a Heart" ends.)  
  
MULDER: Well, that's all very nice, Tin Man, but you still have to want something.  
  
DOGGETT (thinking): Hmmm . . . Maybe a new axe? (looking at the axe he's holding:) This one's  
getting a little rusty . . .  
  
(Suddenly, FOWLEY dressed as the Wicked Witch of the Northeast, of course appears right in  
front of the trio. MULDER and DOGGETT both jump, startled. QUEEQUEG cowers behind  
SCULLY.)  
  
MULDER (sarcastically): Oh, thanks a lot, Capt. Janeway, for making one of my ex-girlfriends play the  
witch.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): What can I say? She was made for the role.  
  
SCULLY (angrily to FOWLEY): You're too early again!!  
  
FOWLEY (shrugging): Better early than late. (she clears her throat and gets back into her "Wicked  
Witch" mode:) Ah-ha!! Helping the little lady along, my fine gentlemen?  
  
DOGGETT (to SCULLY): Woah, wait just a minute here!! Just because you oiled me doesn't mean  
I'm going to be your little tag-along for the rest of my life!  
  
SCULLY (glaring at FOWLEY): See why being too early is bad? The Scarecrow and I haven't had  
any time to become good friends with the Tin Man yet!!  
  
MULDER (not liking SCULLY's choice of words): Friends? With the Tin Man?  
  
DOGGETT (equally dissatisfied): *Good* friends? With the Scarecrow?  
  
SCULLY (trying to appease everyone): Well . . . *I* haven't had much time--   
  
MULDER: Nor will you. Come on, Scul--uh, Dorothy. Let's get out of here!  
  
FOWLEY (losing her confidence): But . . . But what about my scene?! I want my scene!!  
  
DOGGETT: I don't want your scene. Does anyone else want her scene?  
  
SCULLY: Not me!!  
  
MULDER: Well . . .   
  
(SCULLY elbows MULDER very hard in the ribs.)  
  
MULDER (in pain): Ow!! Okay!! Okay!! I don't want her scene, either!!  
  
FOWLEY (pouting): But I want my scene!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Okay, guys, here's what we're going to do: We're taking it  
from the end of Doggett's song. Fowley, we'll get to your scene; you just have to be patient, okay?  
  
FOWLEY (grudgingly): Okay.  
  
(FOWLEY sits behind a tree and sulks.)  
  
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. Our friends minus JIMMY are still watching the movie.)  
  
YVES: You really expect us to believe that you showed up drunk in the middle of the night, and Scully  
still let you in?  
  
(FOWLEY mutters something that we can't hear, although it's safe to say it probably wasn't anything  
kind about SCULLY.)  
  
MULDER: Well . . . Yeah.  
  
YVES: Is she stupid or what?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (as she plops down in a seat next to DOGGETT with a bucket of popcorn): Be  
nice, Yves. Everyone gets a little stupid in the middle of the night.  
  
DOGGETT (looking greedily at CAPT. JANEWAY's bucket of popcorn even though there are two  
empty pizza boxes on the floor next to him): Are you going to eat all that, Capt. Janeway?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (noticing the pizza boxes): No, Doggett. I won't let you get fat. Mulder, yes, but  
you're my favorite character.  
  
(MULDER coughs loudly.)  
  
DOGGETT (complaining): But I'm hungry!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (as she shoves a handful of popcorn in her mouth): It's for your own good.  
  
DOGGETT (muttering): Now you're starting to sound like my significant other . . .   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (eagerly): Really?!  
  
(Cut to: MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, & QUEEQUEG on the Yellow Brick Road. FOWLEY is  
still sulking behind her tree while MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT try to continue with their scene:)  
  
MULDER: So, what do you want, Tin Man?  
  
DOGGETT: Well, I think I do want a new axe. This one's nice, but I think I'm about due for a new  
one.  
  
SCULLY: But you're supposed to want something that has a lot of symbolism attached to it, like a  
brain, or a heart, or home, or courage.  
  
MULDER: We haven't used courage yet.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): We're saving the courage for the Cowardly Lion, guys.  
  
DOGGETT: Not that I need courage, anyway.  
  
SCULLY: But an axe isn't symbolic!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): It'll be all right, Scully.  
  
SCULLY: Are you sure?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (giving an annoyed sigh from off-camera): Don't worry. It'll work.  
  
SCULLY (as she starts to oil DOGGETT again): Say, Tin Man, we're on our way to see the President  
so we can complain about our problems, and we were wondering whether you'd like to come with us.  
  
MULDER: We were? I mean, we were.  
  
SCULLY (ignoring MULDER): If you complain enough, he might give you a new axe.  
  
DOGGETT: Really?  
  
SCULLY: Really.  
  
DOGGETT: But what if he won't give me a new axe?  
  
SCULLY: Oh, but he must! We've come such a long way already.  
  
(Suddenly, FOWLEY runs out from behind her tree, broomstick in hand.)  
  
FOWLEY (cackling): You call that long? Why, you've just begun! (looking at MULDER &  
DOGGETT:) Helping the little lady along, my fine gentlemen?  
  
(MULDER and DOGGETT, not sure of what to do, exchange shrugs with each other.)  
  
FOWLEY (continuing): Well, stay away from her!! (glaring at MULDER:) Or I'll stuff a mattress with  
you!!  
  
MULDER (sarcastically): Oh-me-oh-my. I am so scared.  
  
FOWLEY (ignoring MULDER as she turns her attention to DOGGETT): And you!! I'll make a  
beehive out of you!!  
  
DOGGETT (giving her an odd look): You know, you really need to work on your threats. Beehive?   
That doesn't exactly have a threatening ring to it.  
  
FOWLEY (angrily turning her attention back to MULDER): Here, Scarecrow!! Wanna play ball?!  
  
(FOWLEY suddenly throws a fireball at MULDER. MULDER, SCULLY, and QUEEQUEG jump  
out of the way while FOWLEY disappears in a plume of red smoke. DOGGETT stomps on the fire  
and puts it out.)  
  
MULDER (to SCULLY): Well, that settles it. I'm going with you to the Capital City whether I get a  
brain or not!   
  
DOGGETT (not about to be outdone by MULDER): And I'm going with you to the Capital City  
whether I get a new axe or not!  
  
SCULLY (genuinely thankful as she stuffs the oil can in her little basket): Oh, you two are the best  
friends anyone could have!  
  
MULDER (muttering to DOGGETT): I'm more of a best friend than you are.  
  
DOGGETT (muttering back): No, *I'm* more of a best friend than *you* are.  
  
MULDER: Are not.  
  
DOGGETT: Are too.  
  
MULDER: Are not!!  
  
DOGGETT: Are too!!  
  
SCULLY: Cut it out, both of you!! You're equal!!  
  
(MULDER & DOGGETT glare at each other, but don't say anything.)  
  
SCULLY (continuing): And it's funny, but I feel as if I've known you two all along . . . But I couldn't  
have, could I?  
  
MULDER (sarcastically): Oh, no.  
  
DOGGETT (equally sarcastic): Goodness, no.  
  
SCULLY: Hmmm. Well, we know each other now, though, don't we?  
  
MULDER: That's right.  
  
DOGGETT: We sure do.  
  
MULDER: To the Capital City?  
  
SCULLY & DOGGETT: To the Capital City!  
  
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT (arm-in-arm as they do that happy little skippy dance down the  
Yellow Brick Road with QUEEQUEG at their heels as they sing):  
  
We're off to bug the President!!  
The President of the U.S.!!  
We hear he was a Prez of a Prez,  
Or maybe he still is!!  
  
We're not sure because all those  
Verb tenses really trip us up,  
Because, because, because, because, because!!  
Because we got F's in English class!!  
  
We're off to bug the President!!  
The President of the U.S.!!  
  
(MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, and QUEEQUEG dance off into the distance.)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
What will become of the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, Dorothy, and Toto as they continue the long journey  
down the Yellow Brick Road? Will Dorothy and Toto ever get home? Will the Scarecrow get a  
brain? Will the Tin Man get a new axe? How much longer can I drag this fic out before they finally get  
to the Capital City? Will Jimmy ever return with the food he promised to the rest of the Storm Cellar  
Gang? And why is everyone being so critical of Mulder and Scully in the X-Files movie? How much  
longer will Mulder and Doggett be able to stand the torture of watching Scully get Pouty-Wouty eyes in  
the movie? How many more suspenseful questions can I tack-on to the end here before you go insane?   
Are you insane now? Are you about to go insane? Were you already insane about four or five  
questions ago? What about now? Now? Now?  
  
Okay, all right, I'll stop. Well, anyway, log-on next time for Chapter 5, which will contain the  
long-awaited introduction of the Cowardly Lion. (Hoo, boy, folks: You're gonna *love* my pick for  
the Cowardly Lion . . . LOL).  
  
Meanwhile, please remember to review!! Thank you!! I love you all!!! (Okay, so maybe I don't love  
*all* of you, but I usually love you if you review my stuff, LOL.)   



	5. Chapter 5

AUTHOR'S NOTE:Sorry 'bout the delay, but fanfiction.net's been acting-up again . . . LOL, thought ya'll might like Chapter 4 . . . As usual, a very special thanx to all the lovely people who are constantly reviewing each successive chapter . . . Keep it up!! I live for reviews!! They make me do a happy dance!!! :D . . . Anyway, here be Chapter 5, featuring the introduction of the Cowardly Lion (thank goodness there aren't any other animal characters, like "The Annoyingly Chipper Squirrel," huh? I can just picture his song: "If I only could be cynical! Da-doop! Da-doop! Da-doop!"), and more insightful criticisms of the X-Files movie by the Storm Cellar Gang plus a Special Bonus: That's right, folks, you get an EPT (Extraordinary Plot Twist) in the Storm Cellar Scenes!! Wow, what a deal!! . . . Anyhow, I think that a majority of you all will find the character who plays the Cowardly Lion to be absolutely perfect for the role, since this, ahem, *certain character* seems to have become somewhat spineless since this *certain character* has become a believer in aliens, and I . . . I guess I'd better shut-up, now, before I give this *certain character* away . . .   
  
Happy Reading!!  
  
Capt. Janeway ;)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .   
  
SCULLY: A man made out of . . . TIN!!!  
  
*  
  
DOGGETT (confused): Okay, now, tell me again: Exactly *why* did Mulder go to the wrong building to look for the bomb?  
  
MULDER (annoyed): Because it said so in the script!!  
  
*  
  
  
DOGGETT (with each word becoming easier to say): My . . . my . . . my . . . my mouth!! My mouth!! I can talk again!!  
  
SCULLY: What a mess you are!  
  
MULDER: You could say that again . . .  
  
DOGGETT (ignoring MULDER): Oil my arms, please!! Oil my elbows!!  
  
*  
  
DOGGETT (singing to the tune of "If I Only Had a Heart"):   
  
With a heart I would be mushy,  
And sickeningly slushy.  
From my machoness I'd dart!  
  
I'd become very boring;  
The audience would be snoring  
If I ever got a heart!  
  
*  
  
DOGGETT (to SCULLY): Woah, wait just a minute here!! Just because you oiled me doesn't mean I'm going to be your little tag-along for the rest of my life!  
  
SCULLY (glaring at FOWLEY): See why being too early is bad? The Scarecrow and I haven't had any time to become good friends with the Tin Man yet!!  
  
MULDER (not liking SCULLY's choice of words): Friends? With the Tin Man?  
  
DOGGETT (equally dissatisfied): *Good* friends? With the Scarecrow?  
  
*  
  
DOGGETT (muttering): Now you're starting to sound like my significant other . . .   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (eagerly): Really?!  
  
*  
  
MULDER: So, what do you want, Tin Man?  
  
DOGGETT: Well, I think I do want a new axe. This one's nice, but I think I'm about due for a new one.  
  
SCULLY: But you're supposed to want something that has a lot of symbolism attached to it, like a brain, or a heart, or home, or courage.  
  
MULDER: We haven't used courage yet.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): We're saving the courage for the Cowardly Lion, guys.  
  
*  
  
FOWLEY: Well, stay away from her!! (glaring at MULDER:) Or I'll stuff a mattress with you!!  
  
MULDER (sarcastically): Oh-me-oh-my. I am so scared.  
  
FOWLEY (ignoring MULDER as she turns her attention to DOGGETT): And you!! I'll make a beehive out of you!!  
  
DOGGETT (giving her an odd look): You know, you really need to work on your threats. Beehive? That doesn't exactly have a threatening ring to it.  
  
*  
  
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT (arm-in-arm as they do that happy little skippy dance down the Yellow Brick Road with QUEEQUEG at their heels as they sing):  
  
We're off to bug the President!!  
The President of the U.S.!!  
  
*  
  
AND NOW, CHAPTER 5 . . .  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: With MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, & QUEEQUEG as they travel on the Yellow Brick Road. MULDER and SCULLY are very fearful, as they are in a very dark forest. DOGGETT doesn't seem to be very disturbed by the change in setting, but QUEEQUEG hangs back with SCULLY. Suddenly, there is a small but unusual noise coming from somewhere in the bushes:)  
  
SCULLY (very afraid): What--What was that?  
  
MULDER: I don't know . . .   
  
SCULLY (looking around): I don't like this forest . . . It's dark and--and creepy . . . (suddenly to DOGGETT:) Do you think we'll meet any, um, wild animals?  
  
DOGGETT (casually): We might.  
  
MULDER (nervously): Aliens? The Monster of the Week?   
  
SCULLY: Members of the Conspiracy? Long-dead relatives?  
  
DOGGETT (giving them an odd look): Uh . . . some, but mostly authors and actors and scripts.  
  
SCULLY (nervously): Authors?  
  
MULDER (also nervous): And actors?  
  
DOGGETT: And scripts.  
  
(They start chanting to the rhythm of "Lions and Tigers and Bears Oh My!". Each time they chant it a little faster as they walk and eventually skip onward:)  
  
SCULLY: Oh . . . my . . .   
  
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT: Authors . . . and actors . . . and scripts . . .   
  
SCULLY: Oh my!  
  
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT: Authors and actors and scripts . . .   
  
SCULLY: Oh my!  
  
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT: Authors and actors and scripts!  
  
SCULLY: Oh my!  
  
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOGGETT: Authors and actors and scripts!!  
  
SCULLY: Oh my!  
  
(Suddenly, there is a loud roar, and they all jump. SCULLY and QUEEQUEG hide behind a tree, while MULDER & DOGGETT dart to the opposite side of the Yellow Brick Road. We see the Cowardly Lion, yes, that's our beloved Assistant Director SKINNER in the lion costume leap out from behind some bushes:)  
  
SKINNER (with his glasses and growling): Rouf! Come on, come on, you big cowards!! Come on out and fight!! I'll fight you with one arm tied behind my back!! (he puts one arm behind his back) I'll fight you standing on one leg!! (he stands on one leg) I'll fight you with my eyes closed!! (he closes his eyes, but only for a moment; he suddenly notices MULDER and DOGGETT, both of whom are watching SKINNER very carefully Hey! You would be, too, if your boss showed up in a lion costume!)  
  
SKINNER (continuing): Aw, afraid of me, huh? Afraid I might maul you like some lion, huh? Come on, put 'em up . . .   
  
(Cut to: The Storm Cellar, where the lovely Storm Cellar Gang is watching the X-Files movie:)  
  
SCULLY (in the movie, as she presses down on the skin of the corpse in the morgue): It's like . . . It's like *jelly* . . .   
  
FOWLEY (sarcastically): Oooh, we're getting *real* technical, now, aren't we?  
  
SKINNER: Actually, it's a nice break from her usual vocabulary . . . Between Doggett's accent and her big words, I almost feel like I'm in a foreign country when I step in their office . . .   
  
(MULDER coughs loudly.)  
  
SKINNER: Uh . . . *Mulder's* office.  
  
DOGGETT (sharply): Technically, it is *my* office now, sir. I man the desk, and Mulder's out of the FBI.  
  
MULDER: Shut-up, Doggett.  
  
JIMMY: Hey, what would you say if Scully sat at the desk? Would she *man* the desk, or would she* woman* the desk?  
  
YVES (annoyed): Shut-up, Jimmy.  
  
JIMMY (defensively): It's a good question!  
  
YVES: Shut-up and watch the movie, Jimmy.  
  
MULDER (in the movie): So, you're telling me the cause of death on this report is false. That this man *didn't* die from an explosion, or flying debris?  
  
SCULLY (in the movie): I don't know *what* killed this man . . . I'm not sure anyone else could claim to, either.  
  
FOWLEY: Everyone just ignore the fact that you've got a body with an unknown virus right next to you. It's not like it could be contagious or anything.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (licking her lips as she tosses her empty bag of popcorn aside): Mmmm . . . Why do salt and grease make such a delicious combination?  
  
DOGGETT (eyeing the bag): I don't know . . .  
  
(Suddenly, he darts for the bag, but CAPT. JANEWAY blocks him at the last minute.)  
  
DOGGETT (reaching dramatically for the empty bag): FOOD!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: No, Doggett! I'm not going to let you get fat!!  
  
DOGGETT: But this is *your* fic!! Can't you make it so that salty, greasy junk food is actually *healthy* for you?!?!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (wondering aloud): You know, that's actually not a bad idea . . . I am the author, after all . . .   
  
MULDER, SKINNER, & FOWLEY (loudly): DOWN IN FRONT!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (glaring at MULDER, SKINNER, & FOWLEY): C'mon, Doggett, we don't have to watch this stupid movie anymore.  
  
(MULDER & SKINNER glare at CAPT. JANEWAY.)  
  
DOGGETT: We don't?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Nope. You said it yourself: I'm the author, so I can do anything I want in this fic.   
  
DOGGETT (giving CAPT. JANEWAY an odd look): What exactly do you have in mind?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Oh, nothing bad, really . . .   
  
MULDER, SKINNER, & FOWLEY: DOWN IN FRONT!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Ask me if I care what you three idiots think!!!  
  
DOGGETT: Get to the point, Capt. Janeway.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well . . . (she whispers something in DOGGETT's ear. Suddenly, he gets a very mischievous grin.)  
  
DOGGETT: Really? You'd actually *do* that?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Of course I would.  
  
MULDER, SKINNER, & FOWLEY: DOWN IN FRONT!!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Oh, shut-up, already!!! (turning her attention back to DOGGETT:) Well, what do you think?  
  
DOGGETT (grinning): Let's get started!  
  
(Cut to: MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, & QUEEQUEG on the Yellow Brick Road. SKINNER is continuing his unnecessary taunts at MULDER and DOGGETT:)  
  
SKINNER: Oh, come on, you big *wusses*!! Fight!!  
  
DOGGETT (glaring at SKINNER): *What* did you just say?  
  
SKINNER: I just called you all wusses!!  
  
DOGGETT: Uh-huh, I thought so. Look, the Scarecrow may be a wuss, (MULDER glares at DOGGETT:) but *I* am not a wuss. Got that?  
  
SKINNER: Wuss!! Wuss!! Wuss!!  
  
DOGGETT (angrily): Stop saying that!!  
  
SKINNER: You're nothing but a wuss, Tin Man!!  
  
DOGGETT (picking up his axe): All right, you asked for it . . .   
  
(DOGGETT raises his axe ominously above SKINNER. Fortunately for SKINNER, he darts out of the way just in time . . . Well, except for his tail. His tail is neatly chopped in two little pieces one piece remains attached to the costume. CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND rush on the set.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (horrified): Look what you've done!! The--the costume!! I don't know *what* I'm going to do with you!!  
  
SCULLY (peeking out from behind her tree): Exactly which "you" are you referring to? Me-"you," Mulder-"you," Doggett-"you," or Skinner-"you"?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily): Skinner, of course!! (turning to glare at SKINNER:) *You* know how mad Doggett gets when somebody calls him a wuss!!  
  
SKINNER (eyes lowered): I'm . . . sorry.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, "sorry" isn't going to fix you're costume. I have to return that to the costume rental store place *in one piece,* or else I have to buy it.  
  
SKINNER: You never know . . . It could be helpful to have a lion costume on hand, Capt. Janeway.  
  
(CAPT. JANEWAY glares at SKINNER.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Loyal Stagehand, go get me a roll of duct tape, will you?  
  
LOYAL STAGHAND (enthusiastically): Yes, Capt. Janeway!! Whatever you say, Capt. Janeway!! You are the wise author of this fic!!  
  
(The LOYAL STAGEHAND darts off-camera.)  
  
(Cut to: The Storm Cellar Gang. Everyone is in the theatre except DOGGETT & CAPT. JANEWAY. Many are very concerned by this change of events:)  
  
SKINNER: Does anyone know what's going on?  
  
JIMMY: Well, that Kurtzweil guy just revealed the whole conspiracy to Mulder, and--   
  
SKINNER: No, no, I mean, does anyone know what's happening with Doggett and Capt. Janeway?  
  
MULDER (shuddering): I really don't want to know.  
  
YVES: It can't be *that* bad . . . She does have to keep this a "G"-rated fic.  
  
MULDER: Right, that's what she always *says,* but can we trust that?  
  
FOWLEY (getting frustrated): Look, I'd really appreciate it if everyone would just BE QUIET SO I COULD WATCH THIS MOVIE!!!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Okay, we're back!!!  
  
MULDER (not liking the fact that DOGGETT is off-camera with CAPT. JANEWAY): *We?*  
  
DOGGETT (proudly from off-camera): That's right, you lowly fanfiction character!!  
  
MULDER: Don't forget that *you're* a lowly fanfiction character, too, Doggett!!  
  
DOGGETT (from off-camera): Not anymore.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Doggett and I just signed a contract stating that Doggett is now officially a co-author of this fic.  
  
MULDER, SKINNER, FOWLEY, JIMMY, & YVES: WHAT?!?!  
  
DOGGETT (menacingly from off-camera): I'm the co-author!! Feel my wrath for all those times you all made fun of me!!!  
  
YVES: So there's *two* of you now?  
  
MULDER (terrified): WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): No, actually you won't, because I've limited Doggett's powers somewhat in order to avoid getting flamed.  
  
FOWLEY: Ha-ha!! Doggett's powers got limited!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (ignoring FOWLEY from off-camera): He only has his author powers in the Storm Cellar scenes, and he is not allowed to kill-off anyone.  
  
DOGGETT (reminding everyone from off-camera): But I'm still the co-author.  
  
MULDER (vehemently): I don't like this at all . . .  
  
(Suddenly, a small blue bolt of electricity hits MULDER on the head.)  
  
MULDER (rubbing his head): Ow!! That hurt!!  
  
DOGGETT (from off-camera): Take THAT, you little minion!!   
  
(Cut to: CAPT. JANEWAY, the LOYAL STAGEHAND, MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, & QUEEQUEG gasp!! Can't . . . Get . . . Enough . . . Air . . . After . . . Such . . . A Long . . . List . . . of Names!! on the Yellow Brick Road. The two pieces of the tail have been reunited thanks to a piece of silver duct tape wound around the ends several times. CAPT. JANEWAY and the LOYAL STAGEHAND are examining SKINNER's tail. It appears to meet with CAPT. JANEWAY's approval:)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, it looks like that'll do it.  
  
LOYAL STAGEHAND (enthusiastically): I most heartily agree, Capt. Janeway.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (happily): Ah, it's so nice to have someone who shares a similar opinion. Isn't that right, Loyal Stagehand?  
  
LOYAL STAGEHAND (enthusiastically): Yes, Capt. Janeway, that's very true and correct, just like everything else you do in your fics.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (delighted): Isn't that sweet? (turning her attention back to the X-Files characters:) All right, then: Let's take it from . . . Oh, the heck with it!! Let's just skip to the part where the Cowardly Lion attacks Toto!  
  
(The X-Files characters get in their places while CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND exit. DOGGETT and the LOYAL STAGEHAND exchange harsh glares as they pass each other.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (calling from off-camera): Okay, go!  
  
MULDER (annoyed): I believe the word is "action," Capt. Janeway . . .  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (annoyed from off-camera): Whatever! (quietly:) Action.  
  
(SKINNER dives into the bushes after QUEEQUEG, but SCULLY snatches QUEEQUEG before SKINNER can get to the little Pomeranian. SKINNER follows SCULLY and QUEEQUEG out of the bushes. When SKINNER catches up to them, SCULLY slaps SKINNER on the nose. SKINNER begins to cry.)  
  
SKINNER (taking off his glasses and wiping his eyes with his tail as he cries): Ah-waaaah-haaaah!!! Wha--what'd you do that for? Aaaaaaaah!!!  
  
SCULLY (angrily as she holds QUEEQUEG more tightly): Well, what do you expect when you pick-on people who are weaker than you are?!  
  
SKINNER (sniffling as he puts his glasses back on): Is my nose bleeding?  
  
SCULLY (confused): Why, of course not . . .  
  
DOGGETT (in a satisfied voice): *Now* who's the wuss?  
  
SKINNER (wailing): You're right!! I'm nothing but a coward!! I can't scare anything except myself!!  
  
MULDER (sardonically): Hmmmm . . . Interesting. And the Tin Man seems to scare everything *but* himself . . .  
  
DOGGETT (narrowing his eyes): Shut-up, Scarecrow.  
  
SKINNER (continuing): I stay up late practicing my ferocity and courage, but I can never do it right when people are around . . . Oh, just look at the circles under my eyes!! I haven't slept in weeks!!  
  
SCULLY (getting into her "Medical Doctor" mode): When exactly did this start?  
  
SKINNER (sniffling again): Ever since I started believing in aliens . . . I'm so paranoid!! I'm so scared!! I'm so cowardly!!!  
  
DOGGETT (gesturing toward MULDER): At least you're not so paranoid that you can spot a conspiracy in a bag of tortilla chips, like this guy . . .  
  
MULDER: Shut-up, Tin Man. I'm not paranoid . . . (his eyes dart around nervously:) Everyone just *thinks* I am . . .   
  
SCULLY (ignoring MULDER & DOGGETT): Is it only when people are around?  
  
SKINNER: Yeah.   
  
SCULLY: Hmm . . . Sounds like you've got SAD.  
  
SKINNER: Well, I'm that too . . .   
  
SCULLY: No, SAD is an acronym for "Social Anxiety Disorder." You may want to try taking some Paxibenaldrine-hygogooglemate.   
  
MULDER: Isn't that the drug that makes people really sick when they try to stop using it?  
  
DOGGETT (whispering to MULDER): Shut-up, you idiot!! If we can get him drugged-up, he might be nicer to us on the show!!  
  
SCULLY (ignoring MULDER & DOGGETT): Anyway, some Paxibenaldrine-hygogooglemate might do the trick.  
  
SKINNER: My HMO doesn't cover . . . um, that medication you just mentioned.  
  
MULDER: Well, why don't you come with us?  
  
SCULLY: We're on our way to the Capital City to complain about our problems to the President. We're hoping that if we complain enough, he'll give me a way home.  
  
DOGGETT: And give me a new axe.  
  
MULDER: And give me a . . . uh . . .  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Say it, Mulder!!  
  
MULDER (in a quiet voice): Brain.  
  
SKINNER (timidly): Are you sure that . . . Well, you wouldn't be ashamed to be in the company of a cowardly lion like me? I know I would . . .  
  
SCULLY: Of course not, right guys?  
  
MULDER: Right, Dorothy!  
  
DOGGETT: Well, actually, I really would prefer that . . .  
  
(MULDER & SCULLY glare at DOGGETT. DOGGETT quickly aborts his sentence.)  
  
MULDER: To the Capital City?  
  
SCULLY, DOGGETT, & SKINNER: To the Capital City!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (rushing on to the set): Wait a minute!! Wait a minute!! Skinner didn't get to sing his song!!  
  
SKINNER (muttering): I was hoping you'd forget . . .  
  
DOGGETT (angrily): Hey, it's only fair!! *I* had to sing a song and do a little dance, so you do, too!!  
  
SKINNER: *Please* can we skip it, Capt. Janeway?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: No.  
  
SKINNER: Pretty please?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (menacingly): Don't make me cut your pay, Skinner.  
  
MULDER (accusingly): Actually, Capt. Janeway, you still haven't paid us for the *last* fic we were in.  
  
DOGGETT (genuinely puzzled): That's funny . . . I got my pay a long time a--   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (with a sweet smile as she elbows DOGGETT in the ribs): The checks are in the mail, Mulder.  
  
(MULDER gives CAPT. JANEWAY a doubtful look.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (ignoring MULDER): All right, Skinner. Sing.  
  
SKINNER (not very convincingly): Uh . . . I forgot the words?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily): Sing!!  
  
(SKINNER gives an exasperated sigh, then begins:)  
  
SKINNER (singing to the tune of "If I Only Had the Nerve"):  
  
Well, it's sad, believe me, Scully,  
When your bravado is sully  
So you're frightened of bugs.  
  
But I would not be spineless,  
Just be a guy who is guileless  
If I only had some drugs!  
  
Just because I can't say a word  
'Cause two people seem a herd!  
Oh! If I only had some drugs!  
  
I'd be flashy as a lizard . . .   
  
DOGGETT: I'd be manly as a blizzard . . .  
  
MULDER: I'd be clever as a wizard . . .  
  
SCULLY: If the President's a President who will serve!  
  
MULDER (happily): Then I'm sure to get a brain!  
  
DOGGETT: An axe!  
  
SCULLY: A home!  
  
SKINNER: Mind-altering medication!  
  
(Music changes to "We're Off to See the Wizard." Everyone links arms including CAPT. JANEWAY, who links arms with DOGGETT and her LOYAL STAGEHAND and skips down the Yellow Brick Road as they sing:)  
  
SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, SKINNER, CAPT. JANEWAY, & LOYAL STAGEHAND (singing):  
  
We're off to bug the President!  
The President of the U.S.!  
We hear he was a Pres of a Pres,  
Or maybe he still is!  
  
We're not sure because all those  
Verb tenses really trip us up,  
Because, because, because, because, because!  
Because we got F's in English class!  
  
We're off to bug the President!  
The President of the U.S.!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
Will the Scarecrow, Tin Man, Cowardly Lion, Dorothy, and Toto reach the Capital City safely? What will become of them once they reach the Capital City? Will the President give them what they want? And what will happen to the characters stuck in the Storm Cellar now that Doggett is a co-author?  
  
(DOGGETT: You know, Capt. Janeway, you really should cut back on those suspenseful questions . . .  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Let the experienced expert do her work, Doggett.)  
  
Thank you for being so patient, and please don't forget to review!!  
  
(DOGGETT: And don't forget to keep an eye out for Chapter 6.)  
  
Thanx again!! :)  
  
  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Did anyone happen to notice how Jimmy just conveniently put in the joke about  
whether Scully would "man" or "woman" the desk in Chapter 5 without any mention of his return from  
the concessions stand? I sure did (*after* I had posted Chapter 5, sadly . . .), and was I ever  
embarrassed! Anyway, I think Doggett & I fixed it all right . . . Omigosh, Agent Lily (a.k.a. Julie)!!   
You ACTUALLY gasp! . . . WHAT?!?!! You didn't finish your review?!?! WAAAAH . . . LOL .  
. . Anyway, here's Chapter 6!! Yay!! We're getting *extremely* close to the end, folks, which is  
good, because I've got a lovely little twist in store for you . . . *sinister snicker* . . . Once again, special  
thanx to all those lovely people who reviewed Chapter 5 . . .  
  
(DOGGETT: Keep 'em comin'!! I need to get my money's worth out of you people!!)  
  
What?! Did you just say what I thought you said, Doggett?!  
  
(DOGGETT: Uh . . . That depends on what you think I said.)  
  
You're not *bribing* people into giving us good reviews, right?  
  
(DOGGETT: Well . . .)  
  
*In my version of a Jedi voice*: I have taught you well, my padawan co-author.  
  
(DOGGETT and CAPT. JANEWAY solemnly bow to each other.)  
  
Happy Reading!!  
  
Capt. Janeway ;)  
Special Agent John Doggett :)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .   
  
SCULLY (very afraid): What--What was that?  
  
MULDER: I don't know . . .   
  
SCULLY (looking around): I don't like this forest . . . It's dark and and creepy . . . (suddenly to  
DOGGETT:) Do you think we'll meet any, um, wild animals?  
  
DOGGETT (casually): We might.  
  
*  
  
SKINNER (with his glasses and growling): Rouf! Come on, come on, you big cowards!! Come on  
out and fight!!   
  
*  
  
DOGGETT (sharply): Technically, it is *my* office now, sir. I man the desk, and Mulder's out of the  
FBI.  
  
MULDER: Shut-up, Doggett.  
  
JIMMY: Hey, what would you say if Scully sat at the desk? Would she *man* the desk, or would  
she* woman* the desk?  
  
YVES (annoyed): Shut-up, Jimmy.  
  
JIMMY (defensively): It's a good question!  
  
YVES: Shut-up and watch the movie, Jimmy.  
  
*  
  
SCULLY (peeking out from behind her tree): Exactly which "you" are you referring to? Me-"you,"  
Mulder-"you," Doggett-"you," or Skinner-"you"?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily): Skinner, of course!! (turning to glare at SKINNER:) *You* know how  
mad Doggett gets when somebody calls him a wuss!!  
  
*  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Doggett and I just signed a contract stating that Doggett is now  
officially a co-author of this fic.  
  
MULDER, SKINNER, FOWLEY, JIMMY, & YVES: WHAT?!?!  
  
DOGGETT (menacingly from off-camera): I'm the co-author!! Feel my wrath for all those times you all  
made fun of me!!!  
  
*  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (happily): Ah, it's so nice to have someone who shares a similar opinion. Isn't that  
right, Loyal Stagehand?  
  
LOYAL STAGEHAND (enthusiastically): Yes, Capt. Janeway, that's very true and correct, just like  
everything else you do in your fics.  
  
*  
  
SCULLY (ignoring MULDER & DOGGETT): Anyway, some Paxibenaldrine-hygogooglemate might  
do the trick.  
  
SKINNER: My HMO doesn't cover . . . um, that medication you just mentioned.  
  
*  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (rushing on to the set): Wait a minute!! Wait a minute!! Skinner didn't get to sing  
his song!!  
  
*  
  
SKINNER (singing to "If I Only Had the Nerve"):  
  
But I would not be spineless,  
Just be a guy who is guileless  
If I only had some drugs!  
  
*  
  
SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, SKINNER, CAPT. JANEWAY, & LOYAL STAGEHAND  
(singing):  
  
We're off to bug the President!  
The President of the U.S.!  
  
*  
  
AND NOW, CHAPTER 6 . . .  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
  
(Setting: Inside the Wicked Witch of the Northeast's Fortress. FOWLEY dressed as the Wicked  
Witch and Alex KRYCEK dressed as the Leader of the Flying Monkeys are watching MULDER,  
SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, QUEEQUEG, CAPT. JANEWAY, and her LOYAL  
STAGEHAND dance their way down the Yellow Brick Road via FOWLEY's crystal ball. The crystal  
ball finally goes dark:)  
  
FOWLEY (cackling): Ah-ha! So, you won't take my little warning, eh? So much the worse for you!!  
  
(FOWLEY cackles some more. She walks to a table with an hourglass with bright red sand in it and a  
bowl with some red paste in it. KRYCEK follows her.)  
  
FOWLEY: I'll take care of you now, instead of later!  
  
KRYCEK: You know, Diana   
  
FOWLEY (snapping): I'm the Wicked Witch!!  
  
KRYCEK (annoyed): . . . Fine. Wicked Witch.  
  
FOWLEY: Yes, Flying Monkey?  
  
KRYCEK (getting even more annoyed): All right, two things. First of all, you need to stop calling me  
"Flying Monkey."  
  
FOWLEY: Why? That's what you are.  
  
KRYCEK: Look, I know Capt. Janeway didn't give us great roles, but we might as well make the most  
of them. I'm the *Leader* of the Flying Monkeys!!  
  
FOWLEY (annoyed): What's your second point?  
  
KRYCEK: You need to stop talking to people you see in your crystal ball. They can't hear you, so it  
makes you look really stupid.  
  
FOWLEY (sharply): Shut-up, Flying Monkey.  
  
KRYCEK (angry): I'm the *Leader*!!  
  
(The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, MARITA, and Jeffrey SPENDER enter, all dressed as Flying  
Monkeys.)  
  
CSM (puffing at a cigarette): Are you the leader, Alex? Are you really?  
  
KRYCEK: Darn right, Smokestack!!  
  
MARITA (sarcastically): Oooh, is that supposed to *impress* me? I'm just going to fall *all over* you  
now just because you think that you're the leader, even though you're wearing the exact same costumes  
*we* are.  
  
SPENDER: Even the same blue make-up with that horrible shade of lipstick!!  
  
(KRYCEK, MARITA, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN give SPENDER odd looks.)  
  
FOWLEY (ignoring SPENDER as she continues with her lines): When I obtain those ruby slippers, my  
powers will be the greatest in Oz!!  
  
KRYCEK: You mean the United States.  
  
FOWLEY (as she pokes at the red paste a little): Whatever. (continuing as she stirs the red paste with  
a pestle and walks back to the crystal ball:) Now, my beauty . . .   
  
MARITA (whispering to KRYCEK): I thought you were going to warn her about talking to people in  
the crystal ball!  
  
KRYCEK (whispering back): I *did,* but she won't listen to me.  
  
SPENDER: Trust me, she doesn't listen to anyone.  
  
FOWLEY (trying again): A-hem!! Now, my beauty, something with poison in it, I think. (the red  
paste begins to bubble and froth as FOWLEY moves it closer to the crystal ball:) Poison . . . But  
something attractive to the eye and pleasing to smell . . .   
  
(Suddenly, the red paste bubbles and froths so much that it spills on FOWLEY.)  
  
FOWLEY (screaming): AAAAH!!! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!! GET IT OFF ME!!!!  
  
(FOWLEY runs around the room screaming while our favorite Conspiracy people debate the matter.)  
  
CSM: Do you want us to get it off you? Do you really?  
  
SPENDER (to KRYCEK): Don't just stand there!! Go get some water!!  
  
KRYCEK: Won't she melt?  
  
SPENDER (realizing): Oh, that's right! I forgot about that. Hmmm . . . What about a fire extinguisher?  
  
KRYCEK (annoyed): That's for fires, not burns, you moron.  
  
MARITA: I say we let her suffer a little bit.  
  
FOWLEY (irate): YOU IDIOTS!! I'LL MAKE YOU PAY FOR THIS!!!  
  
CSM (nervously): Should we make her suffer? Should we really?  
  
SPENDER: Well, for once, my dad's got a good point. I'm not sure we should let her suffer.  
  
MARITA: Why not?! With the way she's been bossing us around, she certainly deserves it.  
  
KRYCEK: I'm with Marita.  
  
CSM: Are you going to let Marita control your life, Alex? Are you really?  
  
KRYCEK (glaring at CSM): Shut-up, Smokestack.  
  
(Cut to: Inside the Storm Cellar. Everyone is there, including DOGGETT & CAPT. JANEWAY;  
everyone is watching the X-Files movie:)  
  
DOGGETT (watching the movie as he eats an enormous bucket of popcorn): You know, Mulder, you  
really should've been kicked-out of the FBI sooner.  
  
(MULDER mutters something that we can't hear.)  
  
DOGGETT: What was that?  
  
MULDER: Nothing.  
  
JIMMY (angrily as he watches the movie): Hey!! They killed that Kurtzweil guy!!  
  
YVES: Jimmy, what have I told you about getting obsessed with movies?  
  
JIMMY: Yeah, I know all that, but . . . they killed the good guy!! That's not supposed to happen in a  
movie!!  
  
SKINNER: Unless he happens to be a mysterious informant in an X-Files movie.  
  
MULDER: Ah, mysterious informants . . . Here today, gone tomorrow. Maybe with a little luck,  
Doggett will become a mysterious informant someday.  
  
(A bolt of blue lightning strikes MULDER on the head.)  
  
MULDER (to DOGGETT): Ow!! Will you cut that out?! It's really annoying.  
  
DOGGETT (trying very hard not to snicker): Whatever you say, Mulder.  
  
(Cut to: In the parking lot for CAPT. JANEWAY's Hollywood studio where the scenes for the Wicked  
Witch's Fortress are shot. There is an ambulance, and we see FOWLEY being loaded in the back of  
it. CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND are talking to the members of the  
Conspiracy:)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (angrily): Oh, this is just lovely!!  
  
CSM: Is it lovely? Is it really?  
  
SPENDER (making up excuses): But . . . But it was Marita's fault!! *She* didn't want us to do  
anything!!  
  
MARITA (angrily): Oh, sure, just put all the blame on me!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, at any rate, we're going to have to find a replacement for Fowley until she  
gets out of the hospital.  
  
KRYCEK: I volunteer Spender for the job.  
  
SPENDER (offended): Hey!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Actually, it's someone else. There's only one other female X-Files character who  
isn't doing anything very important right now . . .  
  
(The ambulance pulls out of the parking lot. A matter of seconds later, a small car pulls in the parking  
lot. Out of it steps . . .)  
  
REYES (smiling): You said you had an extra job for me, Capt. Janeway?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (regretting her decision): Uh . . . yeah. But first, get that stupid grin off your face.  
  
REYES (still smiling): I don't know what you're talking about.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Stop smiling!! I mean it!! You freak me out when you do that!!  
  
REYES (still smiling): I'm not smiling.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Don't push me, Reyes. I'm not afraid to cut your pay.  
  
(REYES abruptly stops smiling.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Much better.  
  
(Cut to: Back Inside the Storm Cellar. Everyone is once again watching the X-Files movie:)  
  
FOWLEY (disgusted): This movie makes me sick.  
  
YVES: What do you mean?  
  
FOWLEY (angrily): Because I'm not in it!!  
  
DOGGETT (realizing something): Hey, wait a minute . . . Capt. Janeway? Isn't Fowley supposed to be  
in the hospital? Something about a burn?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Uh . . . Right. You're absolutely right, Doggett.  
  
DOGGETT (getting more confident): And wasn't Jimmy supposed to be getting all this popcorn, candy,  
and soda from the concessions stand in Chapter 5?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Ummm . . . I can explain that! Really! Just give me a few moments, and I'll think  
of something . . .  
  
DOGGETT (doubtfully): I'm not sure, Capt. Janeway. It seems like you're putting a lot of mistakes in  
the plot of this fic.  
  
FOWLEY: Go Doggett!  
  
SKINNER: Get her for those annoying plot holes!!  
  
DOGGETT: We really don't mean any disrespect, Capt. Janeway . . .  
  
MULDER (cutting-in): Yes, we do!!  
  
DOGGETT (ignoring MULDER): . . . But I think we're entitled to an explanation. After all, I'm the  
Co-Author.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Fine . . . But I'll have to cut to another scene, first.  
  
DOGGETT: That's all right.  
  
MULDER: No, it's not!!  
  
(DOGGETT glares at MULDER.)  
  
JIMMY (crying now): Poor, poor Kurtzweil . . .  
  
YVES (severely): Shut-up, Jimmy.  
  
(Cut to: Inside the Wicked Witch's Fortress. We see our four Conspiracy people and REYES  
dressed as the Wicked Witch of the Northeast picking-up where FOWLEY left off:)  
  
REYES (smiling sweetly at the crystal ball as she stirs the red paste): . . . Poppies. Poppies. Yes,  
poppies will put them to sleep . . . Sleep . . . Poppies will put them to sleep . . .  
  
(Cut to: A poppy field. We see MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, QUEEQUEG,  
CAPT. JANEWAY, and her LOYAL STAGEHAND skip into the field. CAPT. JANEWAY and her  
LOYAL STAGEHAND walk off-camera while the scene unfolds.)  
  
SCULLY (pointing excitedly ahead): Look!! The Capital City!! Oh, we're almost there!! And it's  
even more beautiful than I imagined!!  
  
(Cut to: A shot of Washington, D.C.)  
  
(Cut back to: SCULLY & Co.)  
  
MULDER: That depends on what your definition of beauty is.  
  
SKINNER (looking around): You know, it's funny. I've never noticed this poppy field before.  
  
DOGGETT: Me neither.  
  
MULDER: Aliens . . .   
  
DOGGETT (menacingly): Don't start, Mulder.  
  
SCULLY: Well, let's go!! We can still get to the Capital City today if we hurry!!  
  
(They all start running toward the Capital City. MULDER & DOGGETT race, each trying to shove  
the other out of the way. SCULLY, SKINNER, and QUEEQUEG follow, but soon they all become  
very tired and stop. MULDER & DOGGETT eventually take notice, and walk back to them.)  
  
MULDER: What's wrong, Dorothy?  
  
SCULLY (rubbing her eyes sleepily): Mmmmm . . . I don't know, Scarecrow . . . I just . . . feel so . . .  
so sleepy all of a sudden . . . Toto? Where's Toto?  
  
(Cut to: QUEEQUEG, who is lying in the poppies, sound asleep.)  
  
(Cut back to: MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, and SKINNER.)  
  
DOGGETT (muttering): Somebody wake up that stupid mutt so we can get to the Capital City already.  
  
SCULLY: Oh . . . Let's rest, first. I'm so tired . . .  
  
(SCULLY lies down next to QUEEQUEG in the poppies.)  
  
MULDER: But we can't stop now, Dorothy! We're almost there!  
  
DOGGETT: Do *I* ever get to take a nice nap in a field of poppies? No . . .  
  
SKINNER (yawning): Come to think of it . . . A little nap sounds nice . . .   
  
DOGGETT (glaring at SKINNER): Not you, too!!  
  
MULDER: You have to help us carry Dorothy and Toto to the Capital City!  
  
SKINNER: We'll have to continue this discussion later . . .   
  
(SKINNER plops down in the field and falls asleep.)  
  
MULDER (to DOGGETT): I'll carry Dorothy and Toto if you'll carry the Lion.  
  
DOGGETT: No way. I've got a lot more experience in carrying helpless women than you do, trust me.   
You're carrying the Lion.  
  
MULDER: No, *you're* carrying the Lion!  
  
DOGGETT: Am not.  
  
MULDER: Are too.  
  
DOGGETT: Am not!  
  
MULDER: Are too!  
  
DOGGETT: Am not!!  
  
MULDER: Are too!!  
  
DOGGETT (calling off-camera): CAPT. JANEWAY!!!  
  
(CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND walk into the poppy field.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Yeah?  
  
DOGGETT: Mulder's trying to make me carry Skinner.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (frustrated): Guys, we've been through this a *thousand* times . . . You *aren't*  
supposed to argue in this scene. You're supposed to call for help, and Reyes will send something  
special that will get you all out of this mess.  
  
MULDER: Like snow?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (giving MULDER an odd look): Like whatever I want it to be. Only my Loyal  
Stagehand knows what it is.  
  
LOYAL STAGEHAND (enthusiastically): That's right, Capt. Janeway!  
  
(MULDER & DOGGETT both glare at the LOYAL STAGEHAND. When CAPT. JANEWAY isn't  
looking, her LOYAL STAGEHAND glares back.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, anyway, go call for help.  
  
(CAPT. JANEWAY and her LOYAL STAGEHAND go back off-camera.)  
  
MULDER (not very convincingly): Help.  
  
DOGGETT: Please, help us.  
  
MULDER: We are in such dire straits. Please help us.  
  
DOGGETT: Anyone. Please. Help.  
  
(Suddenly, REYES appears, floating down in her bubble like she usually does. When she lands, it  
bursts, and, as in Chapter 2, it leaves an icky, goopy mess on everyone.)  
  
MULDER (thoroughly disgusted): I can't wait until you get killed-off the show, Agent Reyes.  
  
REYES (ignoring MULDER and smiling sweetly): I have heard your cries for help, and I have found  
the solution to your problem.  
  
DOGGETT (not very enthusiastically as he brushes some of the goopy mess off of himself:) Swell.  
  
REYES (calling to someone off-camera): Oh, William!!  
  
(The little baby WILLIAM Scully crawls through the poppy field until he reaches REYES's side.   
REYES picks him up and holds him out to MULDER & DOGGETT. Not understanding, MULDER  
& DOGGETT stare blankly at WILLIAM for a moment, until Mr. Scully decides to let out an  
ear-piercing shriek. MULDER & DOGGETT cover their ears:)  
  
MULDER: Would you care to explain how this kid is going to help us get Dorothy, Toto, and the  
Cowardly Lion to the Capital City?  
  
REYES (still smiling): You'll see.  
  
(REYES shoves WILLIAM into MULDER's arms before MULDER can protest.)  
  
REYES (eager to get away for *some* reason): Have fun!  
  
(REYES gives her wand a few hasty waves. A new bubble forms around REYES, and she floats  
away.)  
  
MULDER: Where did they dredge *her* up?  
  
DOGGETT: You really don't want to know. (shifting his attention to WILLIAM): So, what do are we  
supposed to do with him?  
  
MULDER (giving WILLIAM an odd look, but holding him at arm's length): I have absolutely no idea.  
  
(WILLIAM lets out another scream, which startles MULDER so much that he drops WILLIAM. This  
causes WILLIAM to scream and wail even more. Reluctantly, MULDER manages to pick WILLIAM  
back up.)  
  
DOGGETT (annoyed): You want me to hold him?  
  
MULDER (eager to get away from WILLIAM): Please!  
  
(DOGGETT takes WILLIAM from MULDER, and seems to have a little more control of the situation,  
though not by much. WILLIAM calms down for a minute, but then he screams again. DOGGETT,  
however, doesn't drop him.)  
  
(Cut to: SCULLY, QUEEQUEG, and SKINNER, who are asleep in the poppy field. They slowly  
start to wake up.)  
  
(Cut back to: MULDER and DOGGETT.)  
  
DOGGETT: Look! They're waking up!  
  
MULDER: It must have been William's screaming!  
  
DOGGETT: For once, Reyes had a good idea!  
  
SKINNER (groggily getting to his feet): Uh . . . What did I miss?  
  
SCULLY (getting up as well): Oh . . . I was so sleepy . . .   
  
MULDER: But you're all right now, right?  
  
SCULLY: Mmmm-hmmmm . . . (suddenly seeing WILLIAM:) Oh! William!!  
  
(SCULLY quickly snatches WILLIAM away from DOGGETT and holds him so tight that we begin to  
wonder whether it's possible for the poor kid to breathe. CAPT. JANEWAY enters and manages to  
pry WILLIAM out of SCULLY's arms. CAPT. JANEWAY runs as fast as she can back off-camera  
while SCULLY starts to cry.)  
  
DOGGETT (annoyed): Here we go again . . .  
  
MULDER: I think it's your turn to comfort her, Agent Doggett.  
  
DOGGETT: Actually, I think it's Skinner's turn.  
  
SKINNER (defensively): I'm staying out of this!!  
  
(QUEEQUEG whimpers and hides somewhere in the poppies.)  
  
DOGGETT: So much for Queequeg bailing us out.  
  
MULDER: All right, we'll share.  
  
DOGGETT: Real men don't share.  
  
SKINNER: We aren't real people. We're fictional characters.  
  
MULDER (shrugging): Good enough.  
  
MULDER, DOGGETT, & SKINNER (very bored): There, there, Dorothy. Everything's going to be  
all right.  
  
SCULLY (her sobs slowly turning into hiccups): Oh, you three . . . (hiccup!) . . . are the best friends  
anyone . . . (hiccup!) . . . could ever have! (she wipes the tears from her eyes and walks back to the  
three guys:) Let's go dancing . . . (hiccup!) . . . toward the Capital City!!  
  
(Everyone links arms and dances toward Washington, D.C., with QUEEQUEG at their heels.)  
  
**********************************************************************   
  
ATTENTION ALL WHO ARE READING CAPT. JANEWAY'S FIC ENTITLED "THE OZ  
FILES":  
  
1. Firstly, this fic is indeed filled with several plot holes and inconsistencies which Capt. Janeway alone  
created and is unable to explain.  
  
2. Secondly, the following changes are taking effect as a result of these plot holes and inconsistencies:  
  
A. Special Agent Diana Fowley ("Wicked Witch of the Northeast" and "Miss Gulch") never was  
burned by boiling hot red paste or any other substance of any temperature in any way, and therefore  
never went to the hospital. She is granted the ability to portray her character for the rest of this fic.  
B. Due to the revisions made in Point A and that annoying smile of hers, Special Agent Monica Reyes  
("Glinda, Good Witch of the Southeast") shall remain in her role alone, and therefore never has, is not,  
and never will portray the "Wicked Witch of the Northeast."  
C. Dimwit and Numbskull James "Jimmy" Bond never offered to get popcorn, candy, and/or soda  
from the concessions stand, as he never went to the concessions stand at all whatsoever. Instead, there  
was a brief intermission during the X-Files movie which allowed all X-Files characters participating in  
the Storm Cellar scenes to purchase popcorn, candy, and/or soda at the concessions stand.  
  
3. Thirdly, both Author Capt. Janeway and Co-Author Special Agent John Doggett agree to these  
revisions.  
  
DATED THIS FOURTEENTH DAY OF SEPTEMBER IN THE YEAR TWO-THOUSAND AND  
FIVE PLUS SIX MINUS THREE DIVIDED BY FOUR MINUS ONE:  
  
Capt. Janeway, Author   
  
John Doggett, Co-Author  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Will the Tin Man, Dorothy, Toto, the Cowardly Lion, and the Stupid Scarecrow *ever* get to the  
Capital City, or is Capt. Janeway just going to drag the journey out even more? When in the  
beeeeeep! will this stupid fanfic end already?!  
  
All right, Doggett, it's *my* turn at the computer. You had your fun with the revisions notice; now I get  
to write the end notes.  
  
(DOGGETT: But I was just getting started!)  
  
Right, which is why I stopped you. If you had gone any further, I have a feeling that this wouldn't be a  
"G" fic anymore.  
  
Well, anyway, readers, log-on next time for Chapter 7 . . . My goodness! Seven chapters all ready!! I  
don't even want to think about how many pages I've written . . .  
  
(DOGGETT: We're *finally* going to get to the Capital City, right?)  
  
I'm not telling. It's a surprise.  
  
(DOGGETTmuttering: I don't like surprises . . .)  
  
See 'ya next chapter!!  
  
(DOGGETT: And don't forget to review!)  
  
********************************************************************** 


	7. Chapter 7

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Okay, what I've done is absolutely horrendous. I know I've waited far too  
long  
to post another chapter, but I just haven't been too inspired lately. (September 11th, anthrax scares,  
skirmishes in the family, moving to a new house . . .) But now that the holidays are in full swing (thanks  
to Thanksgiving! Gobble! Gobble! Gobble!), I'm in the mood for writing comedy again. Once again,  
a special thanx to everyone who reviewed the previous chapters, and I hope that Chapter 7 is to your  
liking. ;)  
  
I do, however, have a couple things in here that may or may not be semi-controversial. Firstly, I am  
not slamming Robert Patrick in any way, shape or form in this chapter. I'm simply having a little fun  
with his name. Secondly, I have nothing but the utmost respect for Secret Service agents. They're  
tough, they take bullets for important people, and, best of all, they wear those cool sunglasses. ;) Please  
understand that everyone is fair game in my parodies, including myself. So if you're a fan of Robert  
Patrick (or if you actually are Robert Patrick) or if you know anyone in the Secret Service (or if you  
actually are a Secret Service agent yourself), please do not take offense.   
  
(DOGGETT: I'm taking offense to that statement!)  
  
*Sigh* . . .  
  
Happy Reading!  
  
Capt. Janeway ;)  
Special Agent John Doggett :)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .   
  
FOWLEY (screaming): AAAAH!!! IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!! GET IT OFF ME!!!!  
  
*  
  
MULDER: Ah, mysterious informants . . . Here today, gone tomorrow. Maybe with a little luck,  
Doggett will become a mysterious informant someday.  
  
(A bolt of blue lightning strikes MULDER on the head.)  
  
*  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, at any rate, we're going to have to find a replacement for Fowley until she  
gets out of the hospital.  
  
*  
  
REYES (smiling): You said you had an extra job for me, Capt. Janeway?  
  
*  
  
DOGGETT (doubtfully): I'm not sure, Capt. Janeway. It seems like you're putting a lot of mistakes in  
the plot of this fic.  
  
FOWLEY: Go Doggett!  
  
SKINNER: Get her for those annoying plot holes!!  
  
*  
  
REYES (smiling sweetly at the crystal ball as she stirs the red paste): . . . Poppies. Poppies. Yes,  
poppies will put them to sleep . . . Sleep . . . Poppies will put them to sleep . . .  
  
*  
  
SKINNER (looking around): You know, it's funny. I've never noticed this poppy field before.  
  
*  
  
SCULLY (rubbing her eyes sleepily): Mmmmm . . . I don't know, Scarecrow . . . I just . . . feel so . . .  
so sleepy all of a sudden . . .  
  
*  
  
MULDER (to DOGGETT): I'll carry Dorothy and Toto if you'll carry the Lion.  
  
DOGGETT: No way. I've got a lot more experience in carrying helpless women than you do, trust me.   
You're carrying the Lion.  
  
*  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (frustrated): Guys, we've been through this a *thousand* times . . . You *aren't*  
supposed to argue in this scene. You're supposed to call for help, and Reyes will send something  
special that will get you all out of this mess.  
  
*  
  
REYES (calling to someone off-camera): Oh, William!!  
  
*  
  
MULDER: Would you care to explain how this kid is going to help us get Dorothy, Toto, and the  
Cowardly Lion to the Capital City?  
  
*  
  
DOGGETT: Look! They're waking up!  
  
MULDER: It must have been William's screaming!  
  
*  
  
  
SCULLY (her sobs slowly turning into hiccups): Oh, you three . . . (hiccup!) . . . are the best friends  
anyone . . . (hiccup!) . . . could ever have! (she wipes the tears from her eyes and walks back to the  
three guys:) Let's go dancing . . . (hiccup!) . . . toward the Capital City!!  
  
*  
  
AND NOW, CHAPTER 7 . . .  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Inside the Fortress of the Wicked Witch of the Northeast. FOWLEY, KRYCEK,  
SPENDER, MARITA, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN are watching the crystal ball, which  
shows MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, SKINNER, & QUEEQUEG getting up and dancing  
toward the Capital City.)  
  
FOWLEY (angrily): Cursed!! Cursed!! *Somebody* always helps that girl!!  
  
KRYCEK (waving a piece of paper): I have a list, if you'd like to see it . . .   
  
FOWLEY (ignoring KRYCEK): But, shoes or no shoes . . .   
  
SPENDER: No shoes, no shirt, no service!  
  
FOWLEY (trying again): . . . Shoes or no shoes, I'm still great enough to conquer her!  
  
CSM: Are you great enough? Are you really?  
  
FOWLEY (angrily): And woe to those who try to stop me!!  
  
MARITA (sarcastically): Oooh, we're *so* scared.  
  
FOWLEY (irate): SHUT-UP ALL OF YOU!!!  
  
(Everyone falls silent for a moment.)  
  
KRYCEK (quietly): I still think you should take a look at my list.  
  
FOWLEY (giving him an odd look): All right, Flying Monkey . . .  
  
KRYCEK (quietly reminding her): Leader.  
  
FOWLEY (annoyed): . . . Let's have it.  
  
KRYCEK (pulling a piece of paper out of his pocket): We have . . .   
  
(SPENDER thrums his fingers on a table in an attempt to imitate a suspenseful drumroll. He stops  
when KRYCEK glares at him; KRYCEK then begins:)  
  
KRYCEK (reading): Firstly, Glinda, the Good Witch of the Southeast . . .  
  
MARITA: No surprise there.  
  
KRYCEK: . . . Secondly, the Scarecrow . . .   
  
MARITA: Isn't that Mulder?  
  
SPENDER: You better believe it.  
  
MARITA (shrugging): No surprise there.  
  
KRYCEK: . . . Thirdly, the Tin Man . . .  
  
MARITA: Macho Man!!  
  
(KRYCEK gives MARITA a jealous look.)  
  
FOWLEY: Continue, Flying Monkey.  
  
KRYCEK: . . . Fourthly, the Cowardly Lion who suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder . . .  
  
SPENDER: Poor guy doesn't have a choice.  
  
MARITA: He's got a cheesy HMO plan.  
  
KRYCEK: . . . And fifthly, the Author of this fic, Capt. Janeway.  
  
FOWLEY: Capt. Janeway? Why would Capt. Janeway want to help them?  
  
KRYCEK: Two words.  
  
SPENDER: "Deny Everything"?  
  
KRYCEK: Uh, no. It's John Doggett.  
  
FOWLEY (getting an idea): Really?  
  
CSM: Is it because of John Doggett? Is it really?  
  
KRYCEK (sarcastically): No, it isn't. In fact, everything I just said was a complete lie.  
  
CSM: Was everything you just said a complete lie? Was it really?  
  
KRYCEK (annoyed): Why do you always say everything in the form of a question?!  
  
CSM: Are you asking me why I always say everything in the form of a--   
  
KRYCEK, MARITA, and SPENDER: YES, YOU IDIOT!!  
  
FOWLEY: SILENCE, FOOLS!!  
  
(Everyone is quiet again.)  
  
FOWLEY: It seems to me that Capt. Janeway is Dorothy's most powerful ally, therefore we should do  
whatever we possibly can to thwart whatever plan she has planned . . .  
  
(FOWLEY draws the three Conspiracy members together in a huddle; they begin to whisper their  
ideas to each other . . .)  
  
(Cut to: The end of the Yellow Brick Road. There is a large wall surrounding the Capital City, with a  
small door. Next to the small door is a big red button. SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT,  
SKINNER, and QUEEQUEG skip up to the entrance:)  
  
SKINNER: That's funny . . . I never noticed this large wall surrounding the Capital City before . . .   
  
MULDER: Me neither, come to think of it . . .  
  
SCULLY: Oh, dear! How are we going to get inside?  
  
DOGGETT: Maybe we should press that big red button next to the sign.  
  
MULDER: No!! We can't do that!  
  
DOGGETT: Why not?  
  
MULDER (trying to think of a good explanation): Because . . . Because . . . Uh . . . Because . . . I just  
can't help it! We have to argue about everything!!  
  
DOGGETT: Do not.  
  
MULDER: Do too.  
  
DOGGETT: Do not!  
  
MULDER: Do too!  
  
DOGGETT: Do not!!  
  
MULDER: Do too!!  
  
(Angrily, DOGGETT reaches up and smacks the big red button with his hand before anyone can stop  
him. Suddenly, the door opens a tiny bit, and we see KERSH poke his head out.)  
  
KERSH (angrily): Who rang that bell?  
  
(Everyone is silent.)  
  
KERSH: I know you all heard me. I said, "Who rang that bell?"  
  
SCULLY, MULDER, & SKINNER (pointing to DOGGETT): He did!!  
  
KERSH: Did you, Tin Man?  
  
DOGGETT: Well, yeah . . .   
  
KERSH (getting into his "Sinister-First-Name-Basis" mood): Well, Tin Man, that really is too bad.   
This is your chance to shine, you know. I really would hate to see you blow it . . .  
  
DOGGETT (annoyed): Look, can we just go into the Capital City, already?  
  
KERSH: But you rang the doorbell, Tin Man.  
  
DOGGETT: Yeah. So?  
  
KERSH: You didn't bother to read the sign.  
  
DOGGETT: What sign?  
  
KERSH: That one, right there.  
  
(KERSH points to where the sign ought to be, but it isn't there. Realizing his error, KERSH angrily  
goes back behind the gate. A moment later he returns, and hangs the sign where it should have been;  
he leaves, slamming the gate behind him.)  
  
SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, & SKINNER (reading the sign): DOORBELL OUT OF ORDER.   
PLEASE KNOCK.  
  
DOGGETT: But it worked just fine . . .  
  
MULDER (shrugging): Kersh is the boss.  
  
(MULDER knocks loudly. KERSH pokes his head out again.)  
  
KERSH: Well, that's more like it. Now, state your business.  
  
SCULLY: We want to see the President.  
  
KERSH (looking as though he's about to have a heart attack): The *President*?!?!???!!! But nobody  
can see the President!! Nobody's *ever* seen the President!!! Even I've never seen him!!!  
  
MULDER: You *haven't*? Sheesh, where do you live, sir? Afghanistan?  
  
KERSH: Well . . . Actually, nobody has ever *talked* to the President. That's what I meant to say . . .   
  
SKINNER: That's not true.  
  
SCULLY: His Cabinet talks to him all the time.  
  
MULDER: And his family.  
  
KERSH (annoyed): Can't you people just play along for once?  
  
DOGGETT: No.  
  
KERSH: Well, I still can't let you in.  
  
SKINNER: Why not?  
  
KERSH: Because I'm a jerk.  
  
SCULLY (suddenly remembering): I've got these shoes that are red . . . Um, I think Reyes called them  
Ruby Slippers. They sure don't look like slippers though. Slippers are warm and fuzzy, and you're  
supposed to wear them only when you're in your house.   
  
KERSH (looking at the Ruby Slippers on SCULLY's feet): Well . . . Since you've got the slippers, I  
guess I have to let you all in.  
  
(KERSH opens the door and lets them all in. KERSH hails a taxi for them.)  
  
KERSH: Take them directly to the White House.  
  
TAXI DRIVER: Right!  
  
(SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, SKINNER, and QUEEQUEG all get in the taxi. As they're  
driving to the White House, they and other people they pass along the way start to sing:)  
  
EVERYONE (to the tune of that "Ha-Ha-Ha! Ho-Ho-Ho!" song):  
  
Ha-ha-ha!  
Ho-ho-ho!  
And a couple of tee-hee-hee's!  
That's how we laugh the day away  
In Washington, D.C.!  
  
Shrug, shrug, shrug,  
Smirk, smirk, smirk,  
And some interviews on t.v.!  
That's how we do it all right here  
In Washington, D.C.!  
  
We get-up at twelve  
And start to work at one!  
Take an hour for lunch,  
And then at two we're done!  
  
Jolly good fun!  
  
Ha-ha-ha!  
Ho-ho-ho!  
And a couple of tee-hee-hee's!  
That's how we laugh the day away  
In Washington, D.C.!  
  
(The song ends as they arrive at the White House.)  
  
TAXI DRIVER (as the X-Files characters get out): That'll be a hundred bucks.  
  
MULDER, SCULLY, DOGGETT, and SKINNER: WHAT?!  
  
TAXI DRIVER: Well, you're all famous people, so I gotta have *some* extra money here.  
  
SCULLY: We're famous?  
  
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah! Aren't you all David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Mitch Pileggi, Patrick  
Robert . . .  
  
MULDER: No, no, no. Those are our actors. We're the actual *characters* from X-Files.  
  
DOGGETT (less than pleased with the TAXI DRIVER): And my actor's name is Robert Patrick, not  
Patrick Robert.  
  
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah, right! I *know* X-Files, man! The guy's name is Patrick Robert!  
  
DOGGETT (angrily): It's Robert Patrick! I should know! He's *my* actor!  
  
SCULLY: Let's not get too carried away, here . . .  
  
DOGGETT (irate): No! This guy's WRONG, and I'm not gonna let him get away with it!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (from off-camera): Doggett, remember my "molasses" analogy to describe scenes  
in which there are nothing but pointless arguments?  
  
DOGGETT: I see the whole world's against me today. Well, fine. Maybe the President can fix that,  
too. Let's go.  
  
(The X-Files characters walk away. The TAXI DRIVER prepares to drive away, when he suddenly  
remembers:)  
  
TAXI DRIVER: Hey!! Come back here!!! YOU DIDN'T PAY ME!!!!!  
  
(Cut to: The Storm Cellar Gang. The background appears to be nothing but a blank page; the  
characters are looking around, trying to figure out what's going on:)  
  
JIMMY: Hey! What happened to our Storm Cellar bit?  
  
YVES (looking in a small hand-held mirror): Ugh! My hair looks horrible against this white  
background . . .  
  
MULDER: Hey, Doggett! Why don't you use your limited Author powers to summon Capt. Janeway  
so we can get an explanation?  
  
DOGGETT (to SKINNER): Did you hear something, sir?  
  
FOWLEY: Hey, Doggett! Why don't you use your limited Author powers to summon Capt. Janeway  
so we can get an explanation?  
  
DOGGETT: That's a good idea. Capt. Janeway! CAPT. JANEWAY!!  
  
(There is no response.)  
  
DOGGETT: Capt. Janeway?  
  
(Again, no response. DOGGETT clears his throat:)  
  
DOGGETT (loudly): Hey! Look over there! It's Shannon McMann!  
  
(Suddenly, CAPT. JANEWAY appears in front of the group of X-Files/Lone Gunmen characters.   
She's fully prepared to attack someone:)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (irate): WHERE IS SHE?!?! SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!! KILL!   
KILL! KILL! I MUST KILL HER!! I MUST KILL THAT EVIL CHARACTER ONCE AND  
FOR ALL!!!!  
  
SKINNER: Next time, say something that isn't quite so . . . *inflammatory,* Agent Doggett.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (still angry): WHERE IS SHE?! WHERE IS SHE?!?!  
  
DOGGETT: Uh . . . Actually, Shannon McMann isn't here.  
  
FOWLEY: Doggett was just trying to summon you.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (calming down): So . . . Shannon McMann *isn't* here?  
  
DOGGETT: No. You kept ignoring me, so I had to use *something* to get your attention.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: You could've found a way to get my attention without making my blood pressure  
skyrocket.  
  
DOGGETT: Sorry.  
  
YVES: Anyway, we'd like to have an explanation.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: An explanation? An explanation about what?  
  
FOWLEY: An explanation as to why you've been neglecting the Storm Cellar scenes.  
  
MULDER: I mean, really, it was fun for a while . . . But when you gave Doggett limited Author powers,  
the whole thing just crumbled, and you did nothing to stop it.  
  
DOGGETT: Yeah . . . Hey! Wait a minute! It started crumbling *before* she gave me limited Author  
powers!  
  
MULDER: Did not!  
  
DOGGETT: Did too!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (cutting-in): Let's not start that again, all right? Now, I understand your frustration  
about the lack of Storm Cellar scenes, not to mention the fact that it's taken me months to get this  
chapter done, but a lot of things have been happening lately, what with the holidays and all . . .   
  
DOGGETT (bitterly): From which you excluded me, forcing me to turn to Shannon McMann . . .  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (continuing): . . . In addition to the fact that I've just moved to a new house. But  
the Storm Cellar scenes turned out to be a really . . . Well, a really pathetic idea. I'm sorry, everyone,  
but I just can't do them anymore. I'm out of ideas for the Storm Cellar scenes.  
  
JIMMY: What?!  
  
FOWLEY: You can't do that!!  
  
DOGGETT: I'll be stripped of my limited Author powers within this fic!  
  
YVES: What will Jimmy and I do?! We're not even X-Files characters!! Our show hardly lasted one  
season!! WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO US?!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (uncomfortable): Uh . . . Sorry?  
  
YVES: "Sorry" isn't going to cut it!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, it'll have to. I'm the Author. I can do whatever I want.  
  
YVES: Really? Then why haven't you cut to a different scene, if you're as great as you claim to be?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: That's a good idea . . .   
  
(Cut to: Just outside the White House. We see SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, SKINNER, and  
QUEEQUEG peering through the gate.)  
  
SCULLY: How are we ever going to get in there?  
  
MULDER: Actually, I don't think it's going to be all that difficult, Dorothy . . .   
  
(MULDER points somewhere off to the right.)  
  
(Cut to: A part of the White House lawn to the right of where the X-Files characters are. We see a  
large group of Secret Service Agents peacefully lying on the grass, gazing up at the sky:)  
  
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 (in quiet awe): Have you ever seen such nice, fluffy clouds?  
  
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: Never . . . Hah! That one looks like a bunny rabbit!  
  
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #3: It looks more like a horsy to me.  
  
(Cut back to: Just outside the White House. All look at each other:)  
  
DOGGETT: I say we climb the gate. Who's with me?  
  
SKINNER: I don't know . . . The last guy who tried to gain unauthorized access to the White House  
got shot. Remember that Census worker from Season 8?  
  
SCULLY: I'm in.  
  
MULDER: I'm in.  
  
(QUEEQUEG barks. SCULLY scoops him up in her arms.)  
  
SKINNER: I don't like this . . .   
  
MULDER: Oh, come on. We're only creating a major breach in the security of the President. (Aside:)   
Security protocols and search warrants: Who needs 'em?  
  
DOGGETT: I'll go first. Gimme a boost, Lion.  
  
(SKINNER holds out his hands and DOGGETT steps on  
them and starts to climb the gate. Then, MULDER climbs over the gate, and SCULLY , and, eventually, SKINNER. The characters run across the lawn toward the White  
House.)  
  
(Cut to: The Fortress of the Wicked Witch of the Northeast. FOWLEY and REYES are talking to each other. KRYCEK,  
MARITA, and the CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, unsuccessfully trying to listen to what FOWLEY  
and REYES are talking about, can be seen in the background.)  
  
REYES: . . . So that's who the *real* father of Scully's baby is.  
  
FOWLEY (shocked): No! Say it isn't so!  
  
REYES: Really. And if you want even more gossip, I've got plenty on Doggett. Hah! Everyone thinks  
I'm so stupid, but little do they know that I just *pretend* to be that way . . .  
  
FOWLEY: Well, Monica--er, Glinda, I must tell you that the real reason why I called you over here  
wasn't because I wanted to get juicy gossip on all the characters, though I would like to get some more  
gossip from you later.  
  
REYES: Why am I here, then?  
  
FOWLEY: Well . . .   
  
(FOWLEY leans forward and whispers something in REYES's ear. REYES's eyes suddenly grow  
quite large:)  
  
REYES (loudly): No way! You're actually leading . . .   
  
FOWLEY: Shut-up, before *she* hears you!  
  
REYES (whispering): . . . You're actually leading a rebellion against Capt. Janeway?  
  
FOWLEY (also whispering): Yes.  
  
REYES: But . . . That's unheard of! No character has ever even *attempted* to rebel against a  
fanfiction author, let alone succeeded in doing so!  
  
FOWLEY: Well, I suppose there's a first time for everything. And, really, besides Doggett, there aren't  
too many characters who care for Janeway too much.  
  
REYES: I'm not so sure about that. I think the Munchkins--uh, the Lone Gunmen, are on her side.   
(lowering her voice even more:) And I think Krycek's on her side, too . . .  
  
FOWLEY (glancing around nervously): Yes, I've suspected that myself. Now, here's what I plan to do  
. . .  
  
(FOWLEY leans forward again and whispers her plans in REYES's ear.)  
  
(Cut to: Inside the Oval Office. We see President George W. Bush looking out the  
window as he drinks a cup of coffee. Suddenly, SCULLY, MULDER, DOGGETT, and SKINNER  
come bursting through the doors of the Oval Office:)  
  
SCULLY: Look! There's the President!  
  
DUBYA (so stunned that he drops his cup of coffee): Who in the heck are you?! (after a moment:)   
And how did you get past the Secret Service?!?!  
  
DOGGETT: We're X-Files characters pretending to be Wizard of Oz characters!  
  
MULDER: And we've come to complain about our problems so you can fix them!  
  
DUBYA: Me? Fix your problems?  
  
(The X-Files characters nod their heads. DUBYA quickly sits down in his chair and pulls out a large  
stack of papers from a drawer.)  
  
DUBYA: I'm sorry, but I really have a lot of things to do . . . Those classified NSA reports just won't  
read themselves, you know . . .   
  
(Cut to: Underneath DUBYA's desk. We see him frantically pressing a button marked "SECURITY.")  
  
(Cut back to: DUBYA and the X-Files characters.)  
  
SCULLY (starting to cry): Oh, but, Mr. President, we've come such a long way . . .  
  
MULDER: Yeah. Dorothy needs to get home, and I need a brain!  
  
DOGGETT: And I need a new axe!  
  
SKINNER: And I need mind-altering medication!  
  
DUBYA (muttering to himself): I say you *all* need mind-altering medication . . . (talking normally  
again:) . . . Look, I really can't be doing this right now. I have places to go, and press conferences to  
give. Not to mention a war to fight and dignitaries to greet.  
  
SCULLY (through her tears): We're not leaving until you give us what we want!  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
Will Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion get what they want from President Bush  
No. 43? Where's Queequeg? Why didn't he enter the Oval Office with the other characters?  
  
(DOGGETT: What are Fowley and Reyes plotting to do?)  
  
What's that, Doggett? Something about a plot?  
  
(DOGGETT: Yeah! You mean you haven't heard?)  
  
No . . .  
  
Anyway, keep your eyes peeled (not literally, of course; that might get messy . . .) for Chapter 8, in  
which we will torment a few more well-known politicians.  
  
Until then, may the fics be with you!  
  
(DOGGETT: And don't forget to review! I don't bribe you for nothin'!) 


	8. Chapter 8

AUTHOR'S NOTE:   
  
I did indeed forget a disclaimer for the politicians used in this fic in Chapter 7, so here it is now:  
Go ahead. Sue me. I'll be in Guatemala before you can say "Robert Shapiro."  
  
Anyway, here be Chapter 8, the final chapter. (Bum-bum-BUM!) Things are going to get a little  
confusing here, so bear with me . . . Oh, and by the way, Dana R. Luder, I do refer to the movie  
for this fic. Quite frequently, as I'm not as familiar with it as I am with "Star Trek: First  
Contact." (I used to know all the Borg Queen's lines by heart . . .) Once again, a special thanx to  
the nice people who give me nice reviews, despite the fact that Doggett is late in delivering their  
bribes.  
  
(DOGGETT: U.S. Postal Service!!!)  
  
Happy Reading!  
  
Capt. Janeway ;)  
Special Agent John Doggett :)  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
PREVIOUSLY ON THE X-FILES . . .  
  
FOWLEY (angrily): Cursed!! Cursed!! *Somebody* always helps that girl!!  
  
*  
  
FOWLEY: Capt. Janeway? Why would Capt. Janeway want to help them?  
  
KRYCEK: Two words.  
  
SPENDER: "Deny Everything"?  
  
KRYCEK: Uh, no. It's John Doggett.  
  
*  
  
FOWLEY: It seems to me that Capt. Janeway is Dorothy's most powerful ally, therefore we  
should do whatever we possibly can to thwart whatever plan she has planned . . .  
  
*  
  
SCULLY: Oh, dear! How are we going to get inside?  
  
DOGGETT: Maybe we should press that big red button next to the door.  
  
MULDER: No!! We can't do that!  
  
*  
  
KERSH (angrily): Who rang that bell?  
  
(Everyone is silent.)  
  
KERSH: I know you all heard me. I said, "Who rang that bell?"  
  
SCULLY, MULDER, & SKINNER (pointing to DOGGETT): He did!!  
  
*  
  
SCULLY (suddenly remembering): I've got these shoes that are red . . . Um, I think Reyes called  
them Ruby Slippers. They sure don't look like slippers though. Slippers are warm and fuzzy,  
and you're supposed to wear them only when you're in your house.   
  
KERSH (looking at the Ruby Slippers on SCULLY's feet): Well . . . Since you've got the  
slippers, I guess I have to let you all in.  
  
*  
  
EVERYONE:  
  
Ha-ha-ha!  
Ho-ho-ho!  
And a couple of tee-hee-hee's!  
That's how we laugh the day away  
In Washington, D.C.!  
  
*  
  
TAXI DRIVER: Yeah! Aren't you all David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Mitch Pileggi, Patrick  
Robert . . .  
  
MULDER: No, no, no. Those are our actors. We're the actual *characters* from X-Files.  
  
DOGGETT (less than pleased with the TAXI DRIVER): And my actor's name is Robert Patrick,  
not Patrick Robert.  
  
*  
  
DOGGETT (loudly): Hey! Look over there! It's Shannon McMann!  
  
*  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (irate): WHERE IS SHE?!?! SHE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!!  
  
*  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: . . . I'm sorry, everyone, but I just can't do them anymore. I'm out of ideas  
for the Storm Cellar scenes.  
  
*  
  
SCULLY: How are we ever going to get in there?  
  
MULDER: Actually, I don't think it's going to be all that difficult, Dorothy . . .   
  
*  
  
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 (in quiet awe): Have you ever seen such nice, fluffy clouds?  
  
*  
  
DOGGETT: I'll go first. Gimme a boost, Lion.  
  
*  
  
REYES: But . . . That's unheard of! No character has ever even *attempted* to rebel against a  
fanfiction author, let alone succeeded in doing so!  
  
*  
  
DUBYA (so stunned that he drops his cup of coffee): Who in the heck are you?! (after a  
moment:) And how did you get past the Secret Service?!?!  
  
DOGGETT: We're X-Files characters pretending to be Wizard of Oz characters!  
  
MULDER: And we've come to complain about our problems so you can fix them!  
  
*  
  
SCULLY (through her tears): We're not leaving until you give us what we want!  
  
*  
  
AND NOW, CHAPTER 8 . . .  
  
******************************************************************************  
  
(Setting: Inside the Oval Office with DUBYA and the X-Files characters. DUBYA is trying to figure the whole situation out:)  
  
DUBYA: Okay, okay, this is some kind of joke to get my mind off of the doom and gloom stuff,  
right? I know that you all are David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson, Mitch Pileggi, Patrick Robert  
. . .   
  
DOGGETT (glaring at DUBYA): It's *Robert Patrick.*  
  
DUBYA: . . . Uh, Robert Patrick. Who put you guys up to this? Was it Laura?  
  
MULDER: We're not the actors; we're the X-Files characters.  
  
SKINNER: The First Lady has nothing to do with this.  
  
SCULLY: And this isn't a joke.  
  
DUBYA: Oh. Well, then . . . Since you're all here . . . (muttering:) . . . and the Secret Service  
isn't . . . (normally again:) . . . I might as well hear what you have to say.  
  
SCULLY: Oh, thank you! You see, like we said before, I got lost somewhere over the rainbow,  
and then I met the Scarecrow . . .   
  
MULDER: That's me.  
  
SCULLY: . . . And then the Tin Man . . .  
  
DOGGETT: That's me.  
  
SCULLY: . . . And then I met the Cowardly Lion.  
  
SKINNER: That's me.  
  
SCULLY: And we all really want something, so Reyes uh, Glinda told us all to come here and  
complain about our problems to you. She said that if we do that, you'll give us what we want.  
  
DUBYA (not pleased): Did she?  
  
SCULLY: And so, I really want to go home to see Aunt Em and Uncle Henry again.  
  
MULDER: And I want a brain so my actor won't abandon me.  
  
DOGGETT: And I want a new axe so I can feel a little more macho.  
  
SKINNER: And I want mind-altering medication so I can finally have the courage to stand-up to  
people who treat me like a doormat.  
  
DUBYA (not entirely sure of how he ought to handle a group of X-Files characters pretending to  
be Wizard of Oz characters): Uh-huh . . . Okay . . .  
  
(Suddenly, the three SECRET SERVICE AGENTS dragging a struggling Dick CHENEY by the  
collar come into the Oval Office:)  
  
DUBYA: It's about time you people got here . . .  
  
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1: Never fear, Mr. President!  
  
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: We managed to drag Dick Cheney over here!  
  
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #3: *He'll* be able to protect you!  
  
CHENEY (to the agents, who are still holding him by the collar): Uh . . . You can let go of me,  
now.  
  
DUBYA (overjoyed): Dick! I'm so glad you're here! These freaks think they're X-Files  
characters pretending to be Wizard of Oz characters.  
  
CHENEY: Sorry, George, but I can't help you. You know that there's only one person in this  
room who has limited author powers, and it isn't me.  
  
(DOGGETT shoots a proud look to MULDER. MULDER glowers back at him.)  
  
DUBYA (confused): *What* powers?  
  
CHENEY: Author powers.  
  
DUBYA: Is that one of those legal mumbo-jumbo words?  
  
CHENEY: No . . . You mean Capt. Janeway never told you?  
  
DUBYA: Capt. Janeway . . . Isn't that a Star Trek character?  
  
CHENEY: No. Worse. (calling:) Capt. Janeway!!  
  
(CAPT. JANEWAY walks on-camera.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: You called, Mr. Vice President?  
  
CHENEY: You forgot to tell the President about this . . . fanfiction.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (suddenly remembering): Aw, shoot! I knew I forgot to tell someone . . .  
  
MULDER: Sure, it wasn't anybody important. Just the President of the United States of  
America, that's all.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (ignoring MULDER): Come on off-camera, and I'll explain it all to you.  
  
(CAPT. JANEWAY leads DUBYA and CHENEY off-camera, leaving the other characters  
behind.)  
  
MULDER: Well, this is just great. This whole scene was about the President! What are we  
supposed to do without him?!  
  
SCULLY: And without Capt. Janeway and Dick Cheney!!  
  
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1: We're doomed!  
  
(The X-Files characters give the SECRET SERVICE AGENTS an odd look.)  
  
SKINNER: Aren't you supposed to be protecting us?  
  
(The SECRET SERVICE AGENTS glare at SKINNER.)  
  
(Cut to: Off-camera, with DUBYA, CHENEY, and CAPT. JANEWAY. We see four  
STAGEHANDS fanning the trio with palm leaves as they talk:)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: . . . So, you see, Mr. President, I'm in a bit of a pickle here with this fanfic. I  
just don't know what to do.  
  
DUBYA: What do you mean?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: I mean, I know the X-Files characters are getting on your nerves, and I also  
know that this fic is taking way too long to end. But, I can't just whisk them away and say  
"That's The End," either. That would be lame.  
  
DUBYA: Why would it be lame?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: You're kidding, right? After building-up all this suspense, I can't just throw  
it all away. I mean, I even re-wrote "We're Off to See the Wizard" to "We're Off to Bug the  
President"!  
  
DUBYA (sarcastically): Oh, I'm so flattered.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (too absorbed in her own thoughts to realize that was an insult): I just wish  
there were something else so shocking that this might end on a good note . . .  
  
(Cut to: The Oval Office, with everyone inside. MULDER and DOGGETT are fighting, while  
SCULLY and SKINNER try to predict who is going to win. The SECRET SERVICE AGENTS  
seem to have discovered a pack of cards recently:)  
  
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: Got any fives?  
  
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #3: Go fish.  
  
MULDER: AUTHOR'S PET!! AUTHOR'S PET!! DOGGETT IS THE--   
  
(DOGGETT punches MULDER.)  
  
DOGGETT: For the millionth time, SHUT-UP!!  
  
(Suddenly, there is a very polite knock at the door. Just as suddenly, the SECRET SERVICE  
AGENTS drop their cards, SCULLY and SKINNER stop betting, and DOGGETT stops his next  
punch in midair as MULDER falls silent in mid-sentence. Everyone looks around for a moment,  
not saying a word. Finally, SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2 approaches the door cautiously,  
while SECRET SERVICE AGENT #1 and #3 quickly hide behind DUBYA's desk.)  
  
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: Who is it?  
  
KRYCEK (from behind the door): Uh . . . Flowers!  
  
SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2: Aw, how nice. They must be for the President.  
  
MULDER (to himself): I know that voice from somewhere . . .   
  
(SECRET SERVICE AGENT #2 starts to open the door, but the army of malevolent X-Files  
characters behind it push the door the rest of the way open so it slams the poor agent against the  
wall. The characters come pouring into the office: KRYCEK, MARITA, THE  
CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN, REYES, FOWLEY, JIMMY, YVES, SHANNON McMann,  
KERSH, BYERS, LANGLY, and FROHIKE. They immediately surround the SECRET  
SERVICE AGENTS, SCULLY, MULDER, SKINNER, and DOGGETT.)  
  
DOGGETT: Back! Back! Back you non-main-character scum!  
  
(Blue sparks fly from DOGGETT's fingertips.)  
  
MARITA (horrified): No! He has limited author powers!  
  
DOGGETT (proudly): Ah-ha! Something your puny little minds couldn't think of . . .  
  
MULDER: Yeah, but weren't your powers limited to the Storm Cellar Scenes only?  
  
DOGGETT: . . . Never mind that!  
  
FOWLEY: That's all right, Marita. We have somebody *else* for him . . .   
  
(SHANNON McMann guards DOGGETT.)  
  
DOGGETT: Oh . . . You had to bring her . . .   
  
REYES: Now, where's Capt. Janeway . . . Um, John? Hello?  
  
DOGGETT (his attention focused on SHANNON): Uh . . . Guh . . . Muh . . .  
  
MULDER (trying very hard not to laugh): What he's trying to say is that the evil Capt. Janeway  
isn't here.  
  
KRYCEK: You don't like her, either?  
  
MULDER: No. (gesturing toward DOGGETT:) She uses her little *pet* to torture me . . .   
  
FOWLEY: Join us, Fox. We're rebelling against her.  
  
BYERS: We fanfiction characters are throwing-off our shackles!  
  
LANGLY: Free to do as we please . . .  
  
FROHIKE: . . . Without some infantile amateur author controlling our every move!  
  
MULDER: Really?! Hey, count me in!  
  
SCULLY: Wait a minute! Can you trust these people, Mulder?  
  
MULDER (nudging her): Scully, you're not a skeptic anymore, remember?  
  
SCULLY: Oh! That's right; I forgot. Let's see . . . How about "I'll just follow you blindly,  
believing that what you're doing is the right thing." Is that better?  
  
MULDER: That'll do.  
  
SCULLY: Okay.  
  
SKINNER: Well, since I'm not a skeptic anymore, I guess I'll join, too.  
  
SCULLY: What about Agent Doggett?  
  
DOGGETT (still distracted by SHANNON): . . . Muh . . . Gee . . . Wah . . .   
  
REYES: Oh, leave him alone. Besides, he might have some entertainment value if he stays like  
this for the rest of the fic.  
  
DOGGETT: . . . Weeee . . .  
  
(DUBYA, CHENEY, and CAPT. JANEWAY walk back on-camera.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: What?! You all aren't supposed to be here!! Get off-camera, where you  
belong!!  
  
MARITA: Oh, no, we won't.  
  
KRYCEK: We're rebelling.  
  
FOWLEY: And just you try to stop us!!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (not believing what she's hearing): Don't tell me you're actually trying this. I  
can't believe you all are *that* stupid.  
  
REYES: We're not stupid at all!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Uh-huh . . . Sure. Let's see who wins this little fight. Doggett?  
  
DOGGETT (focused on SHANNON): . . . Neeeee . . .   
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Doggett? What's wrong? (suddenly noticing SHANNON:) You! What're  
you doing here?! I never even *summoned* you for this fic!  
  
SHANNON: No. Diana Fowley did, because she's going to be the new author of this fic.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Why are you so supportive of her? If you help me, I might allow you in  
another fic or two.  
  
SHANNON: Yeah, well, Fowley can spell my last name right. It's "M-C-M-A-H-O-N," not  
"M-C-M-A-N-N."  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (defensively): Did you just insult the way I spell?!  
  
SHANNON (proudly): Maybe.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: All right, you asked for it! (CAPT. JANEWAY clears her throat:) I AM  
JANEWAY, WARRIOR CAPTAIN!! AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!!  
  
(CAPT. JANEWAY somersaults through the air, knocking SHANNON over, unconscious.   
DUBYA and CHENEY clap.)  
  
FOWLEY: Oh, you think that's the end of it, Capt. Janeway? Just you wait until you see who  
else I have up my sleeve . . . Spender, go get our politician friends!  
  
SPENDER: Yay! I get to invite them in!  
  
(SPENDER skips with glee to the Oval Office door. He opens it, to reveal Bill CLINTON and  
AL GORE.)  
  
CLINTON (with that "big ol' smile" of his): Hey, everybody! Did somebody start a party without  
me?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (horrified): No . . . FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, NO! ANYBODY BUT  
HIM!  
  
AL GORE: Oh, come on, Capt. Janeway. He's been really good today . . . You should have seen  
him at the last wedding he crashed. It was truly *abominable.*  
  
FOWLEY (in a sinister voice): Mr. Clinton, why don't you go talk to Capt. Janeway. I know  
she's just *dying* to meet you.  
  
DUBYA (still stunned): Pinch me, Dick.  
  
(CHENEY pinches DUBYA on the arm. DUBYA jumps with pain.)  
  
DUBYA (angrily): Ow! I didn't say to pinch me *hard*! I just asked you to pinch me!  
  
CHENEY: Sorry.  
  
DOGGETT: Uh, Capt. Janeway? Now would be a good time to make use of your author powers,  
I think.  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Absolutely. This little rebellion shall end . . . NOW!  
  
(Everyone stops what they're doing and looks around, puzzled.)  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Well, this might be a good place to end the fic, so I can avoid any more  
pathetic plot twists.  
  
DOGGETT: They weren't that pathetic, Capt. Janeway . . . (suddenly remembering:) Wait a  
minute! We never sang the reprise of "Ninety-Nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall"!  
  
THE CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN: Didn't we sing the reprise? Didn't we really?  
  
SKINNER: That's right!  
  
ALL X-FILES CHARACTERS: WE WANT OUR SONG! WE WANT OUR SONG! WE  
WANT OUR SONG! WE WANT OUR SONG!  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: Okay, okay, fine.   
  
CLINTON: Can we sing, too?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (shuddering): Uh . . . Whatever. (Turning to DOGGETT:) You go first.  
  
DOGGETT: Me?  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY (smiling): Yes, you, my beloved co-author.  
  
DOGGETT (singing): Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-nine bottles of beer! If  
one just happens to fall . . .  
  
CAPT. JANEWAY: . . . Then there's ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall!  
  
DOGGETT & CAPT. JANEWAY: Ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-eight bottles  
of beer! If one just happens to fall . . .   
  
MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, & REYES: . . . Then there's ninety-sev'n bottles of beer on the  
wall!  
  
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, & REYES: Ninety-sev'n  
bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-sev'n bottles of beer! If one just happens to fall . . .  
  
THE LONE GUNMEN, JIMMY, & YVES: Then there's ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall!  
  
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE  
GUNMEN, JIMMY, & YVES: Ninety-six bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-six bottles of beer!   
If one just happens to fall . . .  
  
DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, & AL GORE (giving each other odd looks as they sing): . . .  
Then there's ninety-five bottles of beer on the wall!  
  
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE  
GUNMEN, JIMMY, YVES, DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, & AL GORE: Ninety-five bottles  
of beer on the wall! Ninety-five bottles of beer! If one just happens to fall . . .  
  
THE THREE SECRET SERVICE AGENTS (peeping out from under DUBYA's desk): . . . Then  
there's ninety-four bottles of beer on the wall!  
  
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE  
GUNMEN, JIMMY, YVES, DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, AL GORE, & THE THREE  
SECRET SERVICE AGENTS: Ninety-four bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-four bottles of  
beer! If one just happens to fall . . .  
  
SHANNON (just waking-up), MARITA, & FOWLEY: . . . Then there's ninety-three bottles of  
beer on the wall!  
  
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE  
GUNMEN, JIMMY, YVES, DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, AL GORE, THE THREE  
SECRET SERVICE AGENTS, SHANNON, MARITA, REYES, & FOWLEY: Ninety-three  
bottles of beer on the wall! Ninety-three bottles of beer! If one just happens to fall . . .   
  
KRYCEK, SPENDER, & KERSH: . . . Then there' s ninety-two bottles of beer on the wall!  
  
DOGGETT, CAPT. JANEWAY, MULDER, SCULLY, SKINNER, REYES, THE LONE  
GUNMEN, JIMMY, YVES, DUBYA, CHENEY, CLINTON, AL GORE, THE THREE  
SECRET SERVICE AGENTS, SHANNON, MARITA, REYES, FOWLEY, KRYCEK,  
SPENDER, & KERSH (as everyone holds hands and sways to the tune; a full-blown musical  
score is playing in the background): NINETY-TWO BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL!!   
NINETY-TWO BOTTLES OF BEER!! IF ONE JUST HAPPENS TO FALL . . .   
  
THE CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN (puffing mysteriously at his cigarette): Would one just  
happen to fall? Would it really?  
  
(Everybody groans, and many start to get angry with him. MULDER, DOGGETT, DUBYA, and  
KRYCEK quickly volunteer to beat the tar out of him. The CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN  
quickly hides in a small closet and hopes for the best, only to find a snarling QUEEQUEG  
waiting for him . . .)  
  
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEEND  
  
That's all, folks!  
  
Thank you so much for your *incredible* patience (and your tolerance of insane humor)! Please  
remember to review, and do check back with me from time to time, as I may have another fanfic  
or three up my sleeve yet . . . ;)  
  
Wordfully yours,  
  
Capt. Janeway :) 


End file.
